So What if He's....Gay?

Ok, he wasn't really gay, obviously, or else he would be asking me out via an online dating site. Right? Or maybe it was a cover-up, I don't know.

So there I was. Last Friday night, at one of my favorite places (Pravda) waiting, sipping a "Leninade." He actually suggested Pravda which bumped him up in my book!

He arrived a few minutes late, which was fine. He was of the correct height (6'4), was dressed well...could have looked less like a fifteen year old but I could let that slide. Until......he opened his mouth. Within the first five minutes of meeting he did the best impression of a sorority girl I've ever seen, complete with hand-flop. Sitting with him I felt like I was hanging out with my gay guy friend. Or slightly blond girlfriend.

What sucked the most about this? I really liked almost everything about him. He was very polite, obviously kind, funny. But...I just can't go out with a gay guy! So what did I do to ditch this guy, you ask? Well, ya know...

Two martinis in (and on an empty stomach I might add) I decide to be completely myself. No holding back. That should probably scare him off. So I discuss why I detest children, how much I love my cat, all the things you are supposed to avoid as a single girl. Also I said fuck a lot, ya know, just to help emphasize my points. Poor guy.

After my third martini he asked if I wanted another (uh, no!) and then if I wanted dinner. Such a nice guy. I told him I was so tired that I just had to go home. The date had lasted only an hour and a half. He tried to hail me a cab....but I told him I'd get one myself. After which I skipped (or perhaps jogged) around the corner back to my office where my coworkers were on to their 3rd...or 4th...or 5th drinks. I was happy to be "home" and readily spilled the details about my awful date.

Now I feel bad. In this situation, I was the bitch. I've been feeling terrible about it each day since it happened. I don't think I was mean, I was just clearly uninterested, and this was his first blind date. Well, he hasn't contacted me and I don't expect him to. I don't want him to either. He's probably sitting on a couch somewhere drinking a pink cocktail telling his room mate about this crazy girl he went on an awful date with. Ahhh, such is life.

So my advice to you single girls out on a hopeless date:

1. Be yourself. I mean your most unfiltered, disgusting, unflattering version of yourself.
2. Drink one too many. This will give you confidence to follow through with step #1
3. Finally, swear. A lot. This way they see you as one of the guys. Or as a person with no manners. Trust me, I think this should work.