Giving Up vs. Moving On

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Upon making my recent decision to move from New York to California, many fears ran through my head. What if I miss New York too much? What if my expectations of my California life are too high? What if I regret my decision? What if I can't find as good a job as the one I have? What about the friends I'll be leaving behind? Am I giving up on my dream? What if this is a huge mistake?

The truth, I suppose, is that in life there will always be the "what if." I'll never know the answer to all of my questions. There are so many different paths I can take, and none are necessarily right or wrong. They just are what they are. The question I needed to focus most heavily on was: what's right for me right now?

I love New York. And I know I will miss it. But it will always be there, and I'll be traveling back and forth for the film. It's not like I'm leaving it forever. If I truly decide that I've made a mistake, I can always come back.

One of my biggest fears was that I was running away from my dream. Living in New York had been my dream since my internship in college...would I be giving up on that? Well...I think that dreams change and evolve. My goal upon moving to New York was to become an assistant editor...and I did that. I loved that job...but now with the way the film has gone...I'm not so sure if that is my path anymore. I think there might be something else out there better suited to me. I'm just not sure what yet. Sometimes I do question whether or not I'm giving up. But ultimately, I think I'm leaving behind a career that isn't what I want to do anymore. I came to New York, I did what I needed to do, and now I'm moving onto the next thing- whatever that next thing might be. I'm not giving up, I'm moving on.

There are a lot of things about the city that I will miss, but I can honestly say that for the past year I haven't been living the life I want to live. New York is NOT Sex and the City- as most girls who move there believe. It certainly has it's moments. Anyone who has ever been to a rooftop happy hour at sunset can attest to that. But New York is grimy and hard and rough. And that was fun for a while, but I look forward to something a little bit softer.

Maybe what I'm saying makes sense. Or maybe this is just my way to try and keep myself convinced that I'm doing the right thing for me.

A California Girl in New York

Thursday, July 25, 2013

It's really been over the past year that it happened. Something started to change. I couldn't put my finger on it. I started making a film, which was taking up all of my spare time- and is the reason that I've somewhat abandoned this blog.

This project, which I originally believed would be something fun and creative to do in my spare time, has developed into an internationally recognized feature length film which I have devoted all of my time, thoughts, blood, tears, and, most importantly, energy into. It's stripped me down and made me question everything I wanted/thought I wanted. I love my job....but I love this film, this project which matters so much to so many people. I feel like I am making a difference. I never knew how important this feeling would be. At the time that it started, I never knew how it would change my life.

Ever worked two jobs? It's exhausting! Working at a computer from 9-6 and then working at a computer more from 6-10 is rough. My focus was constantly shifting and all over the place. I had shoots to plan, meetings to attend, story lines to dream up, emails to answer, projects to assist, clients to worry about! It was never ending! I found myself flopping into bed as soon as I got home and waiting until the last possible minute to get out of bed to go to work. Being drained of energy left me feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, depressed. How was I going to do all of this? How would I make time? In addition to that, I could feel my concentration slipping from my job towards my film, which really isn't fair to my employers who have always treated me well, and who I cared a great deal for.

Worst of all, New York was starting to wear on me. I've heard this about the city. It's ruthless. It doesn't care about you as much as you care about it. It will chew you up and spit you back out. But hey- if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere right? I like to think I did make it. I mean...I made it as far as I wanted to go when I moved to New York.

It was really this past winter that I started to feel it. The California pull. The desire to go home. On those rare trips that I did go home I experienced my first bouts of not wanting to return. Not wanting to stuff all my clothes in a foot-wide closet. Not wanting to walk a mile to the subway in the snow, or put on five layers of clothes before I left my apartment. I questioned myself: why was I starting to feel such resentment for a city I love and have wanted to live in for years? I could feel the California inching its way back into my veins.

I wasn't living the New York lifestyle that I used to or that I dreamed about. I wasn't going out. I was drinking almost every day just to relieve stress (hello alcoholism?), I was ordering in food every night and passing out as soon as I could. I felt unhealthy. I felt unhappy. I missed the California lifestyle.

But how do you know when to leave? I weighed the pros and cons. I spent hours on Thought Catalog reading people's stories about LA or San Francisco or New York,  trying to decide what was best for me based on other people's experiences. I had decided. I would stick it out one more year. Just one more. Then I would leave.

But living every day looking forward a year in advance isn't right.

In early June I went to spend a weekend with my aunt in Virginia. We sat outside on the deck enjoying a glass of red wine. We could see the pool and the grass and the trees around us. It was nice. I don't get to sit outside like that in New York. If I was in California I would be just a drive away. I moped all the way to the train station. The next morning, my room mate and I went on a walk along Riverside Park. The sun was just freshly up and ahead you could see George Washington Bridge and the Hudson River below it.

"This is my favorite part of New York," I told her.

"I think that says something," she said.

So there you have it. The moment I knew I had to leave. I had to go home. I spoke to my parents that day to confirm what I already knew: that I had moved to New York. I had done what I came to do. It was time to move on.

So I'm writing to tell you all that while I've loved living in New York for the past three years, it is time for me to leave it. It's time for me to take the next step...whatever that is.

I have a lot more to say about my decision, but I'll leave that to another post!

Oscars 2013

Monday, February 25, 2013

It's been many months since my last post. I've been extremely busy with a big project and blogging has escaped me. The only thing that could possibly pull me back is....the Oscars! I wait all year for this event and I couldn't miss stating all of my opinions about it. First of all, let's talk about the red carpet:

Kristin Chenoweth. Gag. I felt like I spent the entire two hours leading up to the Oscars listening to her ramble on about how small she is. We get it, you're 4'11. You said that. AND you took your shoes of twice. And you dissed Adele (who has way more talent than you do) by telling her how petite you are and taking off your shoes. I thought I was hallucinating when she asked Hugh Jackman, "what do you think weighs more, me or an Oscar?"

Moving on.

Unlike the past years, I'm only going to talk about two dresses this year: best dressed and worst dressed. My pick for best? Amy Adams. Hands down. She looked fabulous!

That dress is to die for! I wish I could just wear it around my apartment while I'm vacuuming. I love her.

And now for the worst. What do you get when you combing 90's teen movie fashion with Tiffany's? Anne Hathaway:

I'll say, I thought her hair looked lovely, but this dress is all wrong. The light pink...the satin...the high neck WITH the necklace- ahh! She looks like she fell out of "She's All That" -I mean where are the platform sandals?

That being said, she totally deserved the Oscar, her performance in Les Mis was amazing.

Onto the host: Seth Macfarlene. Hilarious! I laughed the entire time. LOVED the boob song. And the way he introduced Meryl was so funny, I couldn't stop laughing. I know he's been getting some bad press.....but they did predict that, no?

Hands down, this has to be one of the best awards shows I've ever seen. I'm a sucker for musical theater and loved the throwback to Chicago (though I did think it was totally random). Who didn't love/find really inappropriate the Jaws music playing over top of the acceptance speeches?

Awesome moment: Jennifer Lawrence falling. She was so sweet and funny and I loved her brief speech. She's quickly becoming a new favorite of mine.

Weird moment: Michelle Obama? What are you doing there? What are you trying to say? really....why are you here?

I didn't stay up to see Chenoweth's performance....I had had enough of her. Other than a few minor things (Jack Nicholson in sunglasses the entire night...again!) I thought this had to be one of the best Oscar shows ever. Except for maybe when Ellen hosted.