An Evil Plan...

Friday, May 25, 2012

My friend (in this blog she will be referred to as friend X as I don't want to reveal her identity) once dated an asshole. I know, you're thinking "everyone's dated an asshole!" but this asshole my friend dated is the biggest assholes off all the assholes. Allow me to provide a brief list off assaults this jerk committed on my friend:

  • Said he was divorcing his wife
  • Was really living with his wife while he insisted that she was living in a different state
  • Wouldn't allow Friend X to go over to his house because the "neighbors might see" or "the wife might call"
  • Told Friend X that all phone calls placed to the house were forwarded to the wife's house
  • Told Friend X he didn't have a cell phone and couldn't be contacted (he was a freelancer)
  • Told Friend X to start looking for apartments for them to move in together
  • Ditched Friend X after she had been searching for months for an apartment for the two of them, forcing her to find one on her own
  • Told friend X he was coming over after work almost every night while she waited up for him...usually he never showed
  • Friend X broke up with him and found out a year later that he is still living with his wife and kids...did I mention he has children and never let her meet them?
  • Told Friend X a year after they broke up that he would do anything to get her back and that they were signing divorce papers that week....this was months ago
  • Oh, and lied to Friend X while they were dating telling her he was in Texas with his guy friend when he was really at a wedding in Mexico with his "ex-wife"
  • Has since offered to take her to Italy...or Aruba

I think this short list is enough to convince any rational human being that this man is a bad man. I don't feel the need to go into further detail. What kind of girl would put up with a jerk like that, you say? Here are a few things you should know about my friend:

  • She's a hopeless romantic and believes in love and happiness
  • She's gullible
  • She wants to believe the best in people
  • She was in love

Now this friend has been on OKCupid as well, and stumbled across the asshole's profile. I need not point out how messed up I think it is that he's on an online dating website while also trying to pursue my friend and...oh ya! while married!

As some of you may recall, I cancelled my profile a few months ago, but earlier this week Friend X and I were looking at his profile and scoffing at the mere fact that he has one. Just then, I got a somewhere brilliant, albeit evil, idea. What if I created a fake profile, with a fake name, a fake job, a fake age, a fake personal history, and went out on a date with him? I could try to see what he would say about his children or wife....or if he would mention them at all. I could catch him in his lies and then report back to Friend X what I had learned. Oh the Grinch within me smiles at the thought! What an evil thing to do to such an evil human being. But then the more we talked, the more we thought this might be a good idea. What could it hurt?

My biggest fear? That I would ruin him. There isn't enough room on all the pages of the internet for me to describe how I detest this man. I've often told Friend X how I would love to run into him on the street so I could make him bite the curb. The feeling of joy and satisfaction I would get from causing this man pain scares even myself. So could I go on a fake date with him? Could I allow myself to sit across from him drinking one martini (it would need to be one...lord knows what could happen if I had two) listening to his bullshit and lies? What would any of it prove? Would it really make Friend X feel totally over him?

What do you guys think? Is this the craziest idea I've ever had? ....or is it brilliant?

I Can't Wait!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Baz Luhrman is a genius. I can't wait for The Great Gatsby. If it's anything like Moulin Rouge (which it looks to be from the trailer) it's going to be good!

I love New York

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Ahhhhh...summer! Each day that I walk out of my apartment I feel it in the air more and more. The mornings are growing warmer (but not yet too hot!) and the sun is setting just past 8pm.

Yesterday I had nothing to do after work so I decided to walk home.

I walked up through Soho and over to Washington Square Park where there were musicians playing guitars, drums, violins, an other instruments. I walked through the arch and up to Union Square where people were playing chess and the farmers market was just wrapping up for the day.  I walked straight up Broadway and was confused by all the people taking pictures until I realized that they were all staring at the Flatiron building in amazement. There's a little market just north of it that has a bunch of food trucks and stands where you can buy beer and wine that people were enjoying. I walked west through Chelsea and laughed at the gay bars that I passed: "Rawhide," "Cubbyhole," and "Flaming Saddles Saloon." I walked through Hell's Kitchen and envied all of the people sitting drinking wine at outdoor tables. I looked down 49th street where I used to live. I can't believe it's already been a year since I battled roaches and bedbugs on a daily basis! I walked up past Columbus Circle and remembered how in awe I was of it when I first came to New York as an intern almost five years ago. I can't believe it's been that long!

Just as I was getting home the sun was low and pink over the Hudson River yet the air was still warm and humid. I love summer nights in New York. My sister and I are going to have a blast this summer. While there are times in the winter or during heavy rains that I question why I moved here, nights like that remind me what it is that I love about this city.

....And then when I got back to my apartment there were giant blisters on the bottom of my heels. Because I had just walked over four miles in flat sandals. And now today I can't walk. I hate New York.

Subway etiquette

Friday, May 11, 2012

I would like to detail for you a recent experience I had on the subway, and would like to lay down (but likely not enforce) my own rules for subway riding.

This post was spurred by a terrible experience I had recently with a terribly-smelling man during rush hour. Ah, rush hour in New York City. The air is pungent with end-of-day BO and damp with years of trapped-underground air. People are hot and pushy; everyone just wants to get home right now and will show no mercy to those unfortunate enough to get in their way. I've been elbowed, bumped into, shoved and stepped on. I've dropped my ipod, phone, purse, and umbrella due to these hooligans and having to compete for a 6 inch space in the center of a crowded subway car doesn't exactly put me in the best mood at rush hour either.
 Fortunately for me, the B and D trains are not nearly as crowded at the 1,2,3,4 and 6 trains are at rush hour and I can sometimes even find a seat. A few weeks ago, I was lucky that the train was somewhat empty. I took a seat next to the door on a 3-seat bench happy to have the entire bench to myself, or so I thought. As I got out my Kindle and began to read Harry Potter (what, I'm reading them again, they're damn entertaining!), I was incredibly disappointed when a rather portly fellow took the seat next to me. Now, let me ask you a question: When you go to the movies, do you sit next to someone you don't know if the theater is rather empty? No. New Yorkers avoid eye contact, verbal communication, and certainly invading others' personal space in an uncrowded vicinity. You can imagine my shock at the complete invasion of space this stranger was putting me through. The seat to his right was open, why did he choose to sit next to me when he could have sat one more seat away? Suspicious. But it gets worse.

I've never understood why some men sit with their legs so far spread apart, especially on a crowded subway. I mean, seriously? Don't you see how rude you're being? You're so entitled that you need to take up half the space of the people to the right and left of you? I mean what is that??

...Rant aside, this guy started to creep his legs apart. Slowly, but surely, his left leg started breaking the personal bubble and heading into my "chair area." One inch...two...three...his leg kept touching mine! I decided that he was a pervert. I crossed my legs away from him and pretended to keep reading although my eyes were trained on his leg. He probably had three feet of space between his knees before I decided to move. I should have said something, and maybe next time I will. He was almost taking up half of my chair! Why is it that we (and by we I believe I mostly speak of women) are afraid to say something to those that make us uncomfortable? Because we are afraid of sounding rude? Mean? Irrational? Perhaps it's a combination of all these things. I stood up and crossed across the car to lean against the door. The man quickly adjusted his "leg position" and a few of the other riders glanced in my direction and then back at the man who had invaded my space. They knew something was up. So, with this in mind, these are some rules I would love for MTA passengers to follow:

1. As much as you can, try to respect each others' personal space. Yes, the subway is crowded, but we can all make it better by showing each other some respect.
2. On that note, try not to shove. Say "excuse me" and "sorry" rather than plowing by some old woman (or me!) and knocking her down.
3. Realize that subway rush hour is crowded and that chances are someone will accidentally bump into you. Please try not to start fights. I can't tell you how many fights I've witnessed because someone wasn't "respecting" someone else and was standing too close on a subway where people were packed in like sardines. If there are 50 people in a space meant for 25, you're gonna end up touching a stranger. Get over it.
4. For the love of god, WALK ON THE RIGHT!
5. Please don't spit in the tracks. Or on the ground in front of me.
6. Deodorant. Just buy some.
7. Take your backpack/guitar/trashbag off your back in a crowded train!
9. Smile. Try to be a little friendly to those around you. You never know what's happening with someone's life.
10. Give up your seat for an elderly person. Or a pregnant woman. Or, and this is for those guys who are feeling extra chivalrous, for any woman in general. It goes a long way in a time when chivalry is perceived as dead.

If everyone would just follow these rules, the subway world would be a better place. Sadly, in today's world of iPhones, iPads, ipods, Kindles, books, computers, and any other device which takes people away from the environment around them, I doubt anyone will really follow these rules. In any case, happy Friday everyone.

And also...

Thursday, May 10, 2012

I just got my first smartphone. An iPhone to be exact, and it has changed my life. It's so cool what you can do with this phone! Not only can I send and receive text messages and phone calls (the only thing I used my previous "dumb-phone" for) but I can send and receive picture mail, take videos, set reminders and alarms, find out what time the subway is coming, go on facebook, check email, check the weather...there are no limits! I'm completely amazed!! You can expect to see a TON more pictures on this blog and soon. Maybe I'll even be able to take a picture of some of these losers I've been going out with.

Yes, I realize that most normal human beings have had iPhones for upwards of four years, but I just happen to be a little behind the times, ok?


Hi blog readers! It has been exactly one month since my last post. Why has it been so long? Well, as recently noted, I have not gone on any bad dates. I have not gone on any good dates. I have not done much of anything, actually. However, I do have a few things going on which I can detail, and I'm really excited about them!

Work. I have recently begun assisting a younger editor who is savvy in all things Final Cut, Avid, After Effects, Photoshop...and pretty much everything else. He really doesn't need any help, but it's amazing working with someone who can teach me things. I'm learning something new everyday and it's really going to improve my skills as an editor and it will make me a faster, better worker. The editor I had been working with for 8 months is currently working with a freelance assistant who knows Avid way better than I do so he's a much better fit for her. I have learned an incredible amount working with her, but unfortunately it's all been from google and trial and error. I can't say trying to solve huge problems with a gun to my head has been any fun for me or for her.

Roommate sitch. GREAT news! My sister is transferring to New York to go to film school! And that means she'll be taking over my roommate's lease in mid-June which is fantastic because now I can live with someone who is NOT passive-aggressive, defensive, dirty, or annoying. Yay! Both of my roommates will be leaving and my sister and I will get to pick our new roomie. We can make the apartment homey and maybe, just maybe!, spend time in the living room! I never do now because the mess drives me almost as crazy as my roommates do.

Two Saturdays ago my friend H and I went to California for a mini-vacation. She had never been to Cali before and I was very happy to be home and take her to Napa. My sisters just turned 21 and it was great being able to spend a little time with them as well as my parents. Below are some pictures from the trip.
Santa Cruz- Seagull chasing...yes, it's mature.
The Chinese gardens at Chateau Montelena
That's me in the background, wine tasting at Duckhorn. Yum yum!