So What if He's....Gay?

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Ok, he wasn't really gay, obviously, or else he would be asking me out via an online dating site. Right? Or maybe it was a cover-up, I don't know.

So there I was. Last Friday night, at one of my favorite places (Pravda) waiting, sipping a "Leninade." He actually suggested Pravda which bumped him up in my book!

He arrived a few minutes late, which was fine. He was of the correct height (6'4), was dressed well...could have looked less like a fifteen year old but I could let that slide. Until......he opened his mouth. Within the first five minutes of meeting he did the best impression of a sorority girl I've ever seen, complete with hand-flop. Sitting with him I felt like I was hanging out with my gay guy friend. Or slightly blond girlfriend.

What sucked the most about this? I really liked almost everything about him. He was very polite, obviously kind, funny. But...I just can't go out with a gay guy! So what did I do to ditch this guy, you ask? Well, ya know...

Two martinis in (and on an empty stomach I might add) I decide to be completely myself. No holding back. That should probably scare him off. So I discuss why I detest children, how much I love my cat, all the things you are supposed to avoid as a single girl. Also I said fuck a lot, ya know, just to help emphasize my points. Poor guy.

After my third martini he asked if I wanted another (uh, no!) and then if I wanted dinner. Such a nice guy. I told him I was so tired that I just had to go home. The date had lasted only an hour and a half. He tried to hail me a cab....but I told him I'd get one myself. After which I skipped (or perhaps jogged) around the corner back to my office where my coworkers were on to their 3rd...or 4th...or 5th drinks. I was happy to be "home" and readily spilled the details about my awful date.

Now I feel bad. In this situation, I was the bitch. I've been feeling terrible about it each day since it happened. I don't think I was mean, I was just clearly uninterested, and this was his first blind date. Well, he hasn't contacted me and I don't expect him to. I don't want him to either. He's probably sitting on a couch somewhere drinking a pink cocktail telling his room mate about this crazy girl he went on an awful date with. Ahhh, such is life.

So my advice to you single girls out on a hopeless date:

1. Be yourself. I mean your most unfiltered, disgusting, unflattering version of yourself.
2. Drink one too many. This will give you confidence to follow through with step #1
3. Finally, swear. A lot. This way they see you as one of the guys. Or as a person with no manners. Trust me, I think this should work.


Stephanie said...

Love your advice. Sounds like you made the Great Escape.

Post a Comment