A California Girl in New York

It's really been over the past year that it happened. Something started to change. I couldn't put my finger on it. I started making a film, which was taking up all of my spare time- and is the reason that I've somewhat abandoned this blog.

This project, which I originally believed would be something fun and creative to do in my spare time, has developed into an internationally recognized feature length film which I have devoted all of my time, thoughts, blood, tears, and, most importantly, energy into. It's stripped me down and made me question everything I wanted/thought I wanted. I love my job....but I love this film, this project which matters so much to so many people. I feel like I am making a difference. I never knew how important this feeling would be. At the time that it started, I never knew how it would change my life.

Ever worked two jobs? It's exhausting! Working at a computer from 9-6 and then working at a computer more from 6-10 is rough. My focus was constantly shifting and all over the place. I had shoots to plan, meetings to attend, story lines to dream up, emails to answer, projects to assist, clients to worry about! It was never ending! I found myself flopping into bed as soon as I got home and waiting until the last possible minute to get out of bed to go to work. Being drained of energy left me feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, depressed. How was I going to do all of this? How would I make time? In addition to that, I could feel my concentration slipping from my job towards my film, which really isn't fair to my employers who have always treated me well, and who I cared a great deal for.

Worst of all, New York was starting to wear on me. I've heard this about the city. It's ruthless. It doesn't care about you as much as you care about it. It will chew you up and spit you back out. But hey- if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere right? I like to think I did make it. I mean...I made it as far as I wanted to go when I moved to New York.

It was really this past winter that I started to feel it. The California pull. The desire to go home. On those rare trips that I did go home I experienced my first bouts of not wanting to return. Not wanting to stuff all my clothes in a foot-wide closet. Not wanting to walk a mile to the subway in the snow, or put on five layers of clothes before I left my apartment. I questioned myself: why was I starting to feel such resentment for a city I love and have wanted to live in for years? I could feel the California inching its way back into my veins.

I wasn't living the New York lifestyle that I used to or that I dreamed about. I wasn't going out. I was drinking almost every day just to relieve stress (hello alcoholism?), I was ordering in food every night and passing out as soon as I could. I felt unhealthy. I felt unhappy. I missed the California lifestyle.

But how do you know when to leave? I weighed the pros and cons. I spent hours on Thought Catalog reading people's stories about LA or San Francisco or New York,  trying to decide what was best for me based on other people's experiences. I had decided. I would stick it out one more year. Just one more. Then I would leave.

But living every day looking forward a year in advance isn't right.

In early June I went to spend a weekend with my aunt in Virginia. We sat outside on the deck enjoying a glass of red wine. We could see the pool and the grass and the trees around us. It was nice. I don't get to sit outside like that in New York. If I was in California I would be just a drive away. I moped all the way to the train station. The next morning, my room mate and I went on a walk along Riverside Park. The sun was just freshly up and ahead you could see George Washington Bridge and the Hudson River below it.

"This is my favorite part of New York," I told her.

"I think that says something," she said.

So there you have it. The moment I knew I had to leave. I had to go home. I spoke to my parents that day to confirm what I already knew: that I had moved to New York. I had done what I came to do. It was time to move on.

So I'm writing to tell you all that while I've loved living in New York for the past three years, it is time for me to leave it. It's time for me to take the next step...whatever that is.

I have a lot more to say about my decision, but I'll leave that to another post!