Upon making my recent decision to move from New York to California, many fears ran through my head. What if I miss New York too much? What if my expectations of my California life are too high? What if I regret my decision? What if I can't find as good a job as the one I have? What about the friends I'll be leaving behind? Am I giving up on my dream? What if this is a huge mistake?
The truth, I suppose, is that in life there will always be the "what if." I'll never know the answer to all of my questions. There are so many different paths I can take, and none are necessarily right or wrong. They just are what they are. The question I needed to focus most heavily on was: what's right for me right now?
I love New York. And I know I will miss it. But it will always be there, and I'll be traveling back and forth for the film. It's not like I'm leaving it forever. If I truly decide that I've made a mistake, I can always come back.
One of my biggest fears was that I was running away from my dream. Living in New York had been my dream since my internship in college...would I be giving up on that? Well...I think that dreams change and evolve. My goal upon moving to New York was to become an assistant editor...and I did that. I loved that job...but now with the way the film has gone...I'm not so sure if that is my path anymore. I think there might be something else out there better suited to me. I'm just not sure what yet. Sometimes I do question whether or not I'm giving up. But ultimately, I think I'm leaving behind a career that isn't what I want to do anymore. I came to New York, I did what I needed to do, and now I'm moving onto the next thing- whatever that next thing might be. I'm not giving up, I'm moving on.
There are a lot of things about the city that I will miss, but I can honestly say that for the past year I haven't been living the life I want to live. New York is NOT Sex and the City- as most girls who move there believe. It certainly has it's moments. Anyone who has ever been to a rooftop happy hour at sunset can attest to that. But New York is grimy and hard and rough. And that was fun for a while, but I look forward to something a little bit softer.
Maybe what I'm saying makes sense. Or maybe this is just my way to try and keep myself convinced that I'm doing the right thing for me.
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