An Evil Plan...

Friday, May 25, 2012

My friend (in this blog she will be referred to as friend X as I don't want to reveal her identity) once dated an asshole. I know, you're thinking "everyone's dated an asshole!" but this asshole my friend dated is the biggest assholes off all the assholes. Allow me to provide a brief list off assaults this jerk committed on my friend:

  • Said he was divorcing his wife
  • Was really living with his wife while he insisted that she was living in a different state
  • Wouldn't allow Friend X to go over to his house because the "neighbors might see" or "the wife might call"
  • Told Friend X that all phone calls placed to the house were forwarded to the wife's house
  • Told Friend X he didn't have a cell phone and couldn't be contacted (he was a freelancer)
  • Told Friend X to start looking for apartments for them to move in together
  • Ditched Friend X after she had been searching for months for an apartment for the two of them, forcing her to find one on her own
  • Told friend X he was coming over after work almost every night while she waited up for him...usually he never showed
  • Friend X broke up with him and found out a year later that he is still living with his wife and kids...did I mention he has children and never let her meet them?
  • Told Friend X a year after they broke up that he would do anything to get her back and that they were signing divorce papers that week....this was months ago
  • Oh, and lied to Friend X while they were dating telling her he was in Texas with his guy friend when he was really at a wedding in Mexico with his "ex-wife"
  • Has since offered to take her to Italy...or Aruba

I think this short list is enough to convince any rational human being that this man is a bad man. I don't feel the need to go into further detail. What kind of girl would put up with a jerk like that, you say? Here are a few things you should know about my friend:

  • She's a hopeless romantic and believes in love and happiness
  • She's gullible
  • She wants to believe the best in people
  • She was in love

Now this friend has been on OKCupid as well, and stumbled across the asshole's profile. I need not point out how messed up I think it is that he's on an online dating website while also trying to pursue my friend and...oh ya! while married!

As some of you may recall, I cancelled my profile a few months ago, but earlier this week Friend X and I were looking at his profile and scoffing at the mere fact that he has one. Just then, I got a somewhere brilliant, albeit evil, idea. What if I created a fake profile, with a fake name, a fake job, a fake age, a fake personal history, and went out on a date with him? I could try to see what he would say about his children or wife....or if he would mention them at all. I could catch him in his lies and then report back to Friend X what I had learned. Oh the Grinch within me smiles at the thought! What an evil thing to do to such an evil human being. But then the more we talked, the more we thought this might be a good idea. What could it hurt?

My biggest fear? That I would ruin him. There isn't enough room on all the pages of the internet for me to describe how I detest this man. I've often told Friend X how I would love to run into him on the street so I could make him bite the curb. The feeling of joy and satisfaction I would get from causing this man pain scares even myself. So could I go on a fake date with him? Could I allow myself to sit across from him drinking one martini (it would need to be one...lord knows what could happen if I had two) listening to his bullshit and lies? What would any of it prove? Would it really make Friend X feel totally over him?

What do you guys think? Is this the craziest idea I've ever had? ....or is it brilliant?


Behold the Metatron said...

someone needs to send his wife his profile...

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