Giving Up vs. Moving On

Upon making my recent decision to move from New York to California, many fears ran through my head. What if I miss New York too much? What if my expectations of my California life are too high? What if I regret my decision? What if I can't find as good a job as the one I have? What about the friends I'll be leaving behind? Am I giving up on my dream? What if this is a huge mistake?

The truth, I suppose, is that in life there will always be the "what if." I'll never know the answer to all of my questions. There are so many different paths I can take, and none are necessarily right or wrong. They just are what they are. The question I needed to focus most heavily on was: what's right for me right now?

I love New York. And I know I will miss it. But it will always be there, and I'll be traveling back and forth for the film. It's not like I'm leaving it forever. If I truly decide that I've made a mistake, I can always come back.

One of my biggest fears was that I was running away from my dream. Living in New York had been my dream since my internship in college...would I be giving up on that? Well...I think that dreams change and evolve. My goal upon moving to New York was to become an assistant editor...and I did that. I loved that job...but now with the way the film has gone...I'm not so sure if that is my path anymore. I think there might be something else out there better suited to me. I'm just not sure what yet. Sometimes I do question whether or not I'm giving up. But ultimately, I think I'm leaving behind a career that isn't what I want to do anymore. I came to New York, I did what I needed to do, and now I'm moving onto the next thing- whatever that next thing might be. I'm not giving up, I'm moving on.

There are a lot of things about the city that I will miss, but I can honestly say that for the past year I haven't been living the life I want to live. New York is NOT Sex and the City- as most girls who move there believe. It certainly has it's moments. Anyone who has ever been to a rooftop happy hour at sunset can attest to that. But New York is grimy and hard and rough. And that was fun for a while, but I look forward to something a little bit softer.

Maybe what I'm saying makes sense. Or maybe this is just my way to try and keep myself convinced that I'm doing the right thing for me.

A California Girl in New York

It's really been over the past year that it happened. Something started to change. I couldn't put my finger on it. I started making a film, which was taking up all of my spare time- and is the reason that I've somewhat abandoned this blog.

This project, which I originally believed would be something fun and creative to do in my spare time, has developed into an internationally recognized feature length film which I have devoted all of my time, thoughts, blood, tears, and, most importantly, energy into. It's stripped me down and made me question everything I wanted/thought I wanted. I love my job....but I love this film, this project which matters so much to so many people. I feel like I am making a difference. I never knew how important this feeling would be. At the time that it started, I never knew how it would change my life.

Ever worked two jobs? It's exhausting! Working at a computer from 9-6 and then working at a computer more from 6-10 is rough. My focus was constantly shifting and all over the place. I had shoots to plan, meetings to attend, story lines to dream up, emails to answer, projects to assist, clients to worry about! It was never ending! I found myself flopping into bed as soon as I got home and waiting until the last possible minute to get out of bed to go to work. Being drained of energy left me feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, depressed. How was I going to do all of this? How would I make time? In addition to that, I could feel my concentration slipping from my job towards my film, which really isn't fair to my employers who have always treated me well, and who I cared a great deal for.

Worst of all, New York was starting to wear on me. I've heard this about the city. It's ruthless. It doesn't care about you as much as you care about it. It will chew you up and spit you back out. But hey- if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere right? I like to think I did make it. I mean...I made it as far as I wanted to go when I moved to New York.

It was really this past winter that I started to feel it. The California pull. The desire to go home. On those rare trips that I did go home I experienced my first bouts of not wanting to return. Not wanting to stuff all my clothes in a foot-wide closet. Not wanting to walk a mile to the subway in the snow, or put on five layers of clothes before I left my apartment. I questioned myself: why was I starting to feel such resentment for a city I love and have wanted to live in for years? I could feel the California inching its way back into my veins.

I wasn't living the New York lifestyle that I used to or that I dreamed about. I wasn't going out. I was drinking almost every day just to relieve stress (hello alcoholism?), I was ordering in food every night and passing out as soon as I could. I felt unhealthy. I felt unhappy. I missed the California lifestyle.

But how do you know when to leave? I weighed the pros and cons. I spent hours on Thought Catalog reading people's stories about LA or San Francisco or New York,  trying to decide what was best for me based on other people's experiences. I had decided. I would stick it out one more year. Just one more. Then I would leave.

But living every day looking forward a year in advance isn't right.

In early June I went to spend a weekend with my aunt in Virginia. We sat outside on the deck enjoying a glass of red wine. We could see the pool and the grass and the trees around us. It was nice. I don't get to sit outside like that in New York. If I was in California I would be just a drive away. I moped all the way to the train station. The next morning, my room mate and I went on a walk along Riverside Park. The sun was just freshly up and ahead you could see George Washington Bridge and the Hudson River below it.

"This is my favorite part of New York," I told her.

"I think that says something," she said.

So there you have it. The moment I knew I had to leave. I had to go home. I spoke to my parents that day to confirm what I already knew: that I had moved to New York. I had done what I came to do. It was time to move on.

So I'm writing to tell you all that while I've loved living in New York for the past three years, it is time for me to leave it. It's time for me to take the next step...whatever that is.

I have a lot more to say about my decision, but I'll leave that to another post!

25 Things

Ever since I started this blog I have always included a birthday blog with a list of things I've accomplished in the last year/life...whatever. While I am 3 days late on this posting, I knew I needed to post it because a) they are fun to look back on and b) I have been incredibly lacking in the blog world as of late. So here it goes, a list blog.


25 significant things I experienced before the age of 25:

1. Grew up in the same house that I still think of as home and had an incredibly happy childhood. I will always look back with fond memories and know that I was a child for as long as I wanted to be and I didn't grow up too fast.
2. Learned another language. Even though I am not fluent, I am surprised by how often I find it useful that I speak Spanish. Earlier today I even had to write an email in Spanish to someone in Spain. Who knew?
3. Went on student exchange. Experiencing another culture is so important and to do so at 15 helped to open my eyes to how other people in the world live.
4. Lost a best friend. Sometimes you need to know who will be there and who won't and how truly precious your friends are.
5. Was a geek in high school and college.  I never strayed from my true self and I have life-long friends because of that.
6. Learned to swim. I will always feel comfortable in any body of water and I'll have a form of exercise when I'm older and my joints aren't as good (like now!)
7. Learned the piano. I have a keyboard in my apartment and am so thankful that I can play whenever I want to. It's something I love to do when I'm alone.
8. Went to college out of state. While I absolutely hated it at the time, I really learned how to grow up and take care of myself. I learned that I am the only person who can choose to make myself happy. Being depressed about a situation is not going to change anything. Change must come from within.
9. Became a gym rat. I taught myself how to exercise and how important it is to stay active. I know that if I'm feeling sluggish a workout is just the thing to pick me up.
10. Had a high school sweetheart. I learned that love does exist and how happy one can be when they fall in love. And how terrible it is when your heart is broken. After that, anything can be overcome.
11. Had an older boyfriend. I learned that I can't just be a spoiled brat when it comes to relationships. It's about giving to-when you're ready.
12. Had a college boyfriend. Practically living with someone else for a year teaches you what is important to you in another person and in yourself. I learned to appreciate someone else but not to lose sight of myself and my goals.
13. Went to film school. I found my passion and learned how important it is to express myself. Film school taught me that my ideas are not stupid and that I should not be afraid to speak up or be open.
14. Directed my first film. I wrote and directed a film about a very tough subject and was incredibly rewarded because of it. I was almost too afraid to make it but a Drew Barrymore quote told me “If you don't take risks, you'll have a wasted soul.”
15. Went to Hawaii with my girlfriends. Because that was just the most fun ever and probably the last time I didn't have any responsibilities or anything to worry about. That's over.
16. Discovered that I wanted to be an editor. I suppose in a way I always knew that, but it feels good to have a passion to set my mind to. Listening to my friends as they still try to figure out what they want to do makes me feel lucky that I already know.
17. Made lasting friendships with incredibly talented people who I am sure I will work with in the future.
18. Followed my dream and moved to New York. A lot of people didn't believe that I would do it. But it was one of the scariest but most liberating things I've ever done.
19. Learned that just because she is your friend doesn't mean you'll make good room mates. Fighting with someone you're close to is never easy, but I'm so happy we're still friends now.
20. Lost the job I was promised from my internship. I'll never forget: I was on my way to the airport to spend a week with my parents in Scotland when I learned the job I thought I was coming back to had been pulled. I was absolutely terrified. What was I going to do? Where was I going to work?
21. Spent a month in Scotland with my parents. Seeing the highlands and Lake District in England was amazing and it felt so good to be able to recharge and figure out my life.
22. Took a temp job as a receptionist at a post-production company at which I am now an assistnat editor.
23. Battled cockroaches and bed bugs. No matter what living situation comes my way, I'll always know it could be worse. And I'll know that I can handle anything on my own.
24. Asked for a raise. I was terrified. But I did months of research and I got it!
25. Raised $10,000 to make a documentary about Trichotillomania, something I am passionate about and something I hope will make a difference not only in my life as a film maker but also in the lives of all the trichsters out there.

I'm sure there are things I left out but those are some major things that came to mind. I've done a lot in 25 years, but I also haven't done much. I look forward to the next 25 and hope that I continue to push myself to become the person I want to become.

Thanks for reading!

An Evil Plan...

My friend (in this blog she will be referred to as friend X as I don't want to reveal her identity) once dated an asshole. I know, you're thinking "everyone's dated an asshole!" but this asshole my friend dated is the biggest assholes off all the assholes. Allow me to provide a brief list off assaults this jerk committed on my friend:

• Said he was divorcing his wife
• Was really living with his wife while he insisted that she was living in a different state
• Wouldn't allow Friend X to go over to his house because the "neighbors might see" or "the wife might call"
• Told Friend X that all phone calls placed to the house were forwarded to the wife's house
• Told Friend X he didn't have a cell phone and couldn't be contacted (he was a freelancer)
• Told Friend X to start looking for apartments for them to move in together
• Ditched Friend X after she had been searching for months for an apartment for the two of them, forcing her to find one on her own
• Told friend X he was coming over after work almost every night while she waited up for him...usually he never showed
• Friend X broke up with him and found out a year later that he is still living with his wife and kids...did I mention he has children and never let her meet them?
• Told Friend X a year after they broke up that he would do anything to get her back and that they were signing divorce papers that week....this was months ago
• Oh, and lied to Friend X while they were dating telling her he was in Texas with his guy friend when he was really at a wedding in Mexico with his "ex-wife"
• Has since offered to take her to Italy...or Aruba

I think this short list is enough to convince any rational human being that this man is a bad man. I don't feel the need to go into further detail. What kind of girl would put up with a jerk like that, you say? Here are a few things you should know about my friend:

• She's a hopeless romantic and believes in love and happiness
• She's gullible
• She wants to believe the best in people
• She was in love

Now this friend has been on OKCupid as well, and stumbled across the asshole's profile. I need not point out how messed up I think it is that he's on an online dating website while also trying to pursue my friend and...oh ya! while married!

As some of you may recall, I cancelled my profile a few months ago, but earlier this week Friend X and I were looking at his profile and scoffing at the mere fact that he has one. Just then, I got a somewhere brilliant, albeit evil, idea. What if I created a fake profile, with a fake name, a fake job, a fake age, a fake personal history, and went out on a date with him? I could try to see what he would say about his children or wife....or if he would mention them at all. I could catch him in his lies and then report back to Friend X what I had learned. Oh the Grinch within me smiles at the thought! What an evil thing to do to such an evil human being. But then the more we talked, the more we thought this might be a good idea. What could it hurt?

My biggest fear? That I would ruin him. There isn't enough room on all the pages of the internet for me to describe how I detest this man. I've often told Friend X how I would love to run into him on the street so I could make him bite the curb. The feeling of joy and satisfaction I would get from causing this man pain scares even myself. So could I go on a fake date with him? Could I allow myself to sit across from him drinking one martini (it would need to be one...lord knows what could happen if I had two) listening to his bullshit and lies? What would any of it prove? Would it really make Friend X feel totally over him?

What do you guys think? Is this the craziest idea I've ever had? ....or is it brilliant?

I love New York

Ahhhhh...summer! Each day that I walk out of my apartment I feel it in the air more and more. The mornings are growing warmer (but not yet too hot!) and the sun is setting just past 8pm.

Yesterday I had nothing to do after work so I decided to walk home.

I walked up through Soho and over to Washington Square Park where there were musicians playing guitars, drums, violins, an other instruments. I walked through the arch and up to Union Square where people were playing chess and the farmers market was just wrapping up for the day.  I walked straight up Broadway and was confused by all the people taking pictures until I realized that they were all staring at the Flatiron building in amazement. There's a little market just north of it that has a bunch of food trucks and stands where you can buy beer and wine that people were enjoying. I walked west through Chelsea and laughed at the gay bars that I passed: "Rawhide," "Cubbyhole," and "Flaming Saddles Saloon." I walked through Hell's Kitchen and envied all of the people sitting drinking wine at outdoor tables. I looked down 49th street where I used to live. I can't believe it's already been a year since I battled roaches and bedbugs on a daily basis! I walked up past Columbus Circle and remembered how in awe I was of it when I first came to New York as an intern almost five years ago. I can't believe it's been that long!

Just as I was getting home the sun was low and pink over the Hudson River yet the air was still warm and humid. I love summer nights in New York. My sister and I are going to have a blast this summer. While there are times in the winter or during heavy rains that I question why I moved here, nights like that remind me what it is that I love about this city.

....And then when I got back to my apartment there were giant blisters on the bottom of my heels. Because I had just walked over four miles in flat sandals. And now today I can't walk. I hate New York.

Online Dating in New York

Ok, it has taken me a while to admit this but, alas, here it is. I've been online dating for a couple of months now and it's only just recently that I feel I can openly admit this to the world without hiding in a corner, wearing a mask, or at least holding an over-sized pillow over my face. Before I plunge into the odd specifics of online dating, first let me justify to you why I think this is ok.

Looking outside of the obvious "you don't meet anyone at a bar" and "I only know the people I work with" reasons that we can't seem to find any suitable dates, there are many reasons to online date. Look people, we're not in college anymore. We aren't going to meet that cute guy in our English class or just wait till next semester to find someone new. There are no study groups or Laguna Beach parties (yes these did exist and I was a member, please hold back your judgment) on Monday nights. And work hours are NOTHING like college hours. My last two semesters of college I only had class two days a week and that was only for four hours. That adds up to 8 hours a week total of actual class. I easily work at least 50 hours a week and sometimes more. After working out, catching up with my friends outside of work, and watching that latest episode of "The Bachelor," that doesn't exactly leave a lot of time for....man hunting? Gag.

In addition to the aforementioned legitimate and brilliant examples of why online dating is ok, let me introduce just one more. We live in an online world. I don't just mean online as in the internet. When I ride the subway I'd say that at least 90% of passengers are using technology of some sort. Kindles, ipods, ipads, iphones....I could go on. Even if that cute guy or girl was sitting right across from you, would you even notice? I don't think I would. The same goes for all public streets, parks, and benches. As a race, we are no longer comfortable just sitting by ourselves without looking distracted by something. What is happening to us!! I realize I'm drifting. My point: if technological networking is increasingly becoming the way we communicate with ourselves and our world, then doesn't the natural next step consist of meeting singles online?

Did you say yes? I thought so!

So what began as a fun night with a friend morphed into a site I consistently check. It's called OkCupid. It's a free website where you can see other singles in your area. It has questions you answer and then it matches you to people based on those questions. You fill out a little profile and add pictures and everything.

Filling out your profile is an interesting feat. How do I do this? What do I write? "I like long walks on the beach?" How do I show that I'm a little nerdy, but not geeky, a little weird, but not creepy, and, of course, show that I'm not terrible looking without coming across like I'm trying too hard? In the end, I just tried to stay honest and upbeat. I didn't write or post anything I would be embarrassed to read five years from now. I think.

Turns out, everyone has profiles. At work two of my girlfriends and one of my guy friends has them. Of course, the three of us girls check out each others' potential dates and giggle at the guys who message us who clearly have no chances. Why would we be so mean, you might ask? Well, let me just explain:

Mistakes Guys Make On Online Profiles

1. Taking a picture of yourself in the mirror with your cellphone and a super-cool face on (ie. duckface). This is perhaps the worst offense of all. These are the types of guys that look like they fell right out of "Jersey Shore." Their shirts are off, their hair is gelled, their collars are popped, their skin is tanned. Nothing makes me want to puke more than a cocky asshole. NEXT!

2. Putting up pictures of lots of girls. So....this proves that you have at some point had contact with the opposite sex? Me too! But I'm not trying to show potential dates that I hang out with lots of hotties. That just proves that they are insecure.

3. Putting up pictures with yourself and playboy bunnies. See item #2.

4. Putting up pictures of yourself in front of expensive things like cars. Or just putting up pictures of expensive cars. Or famous people. What does this tell me about yourself? That you're vain. PASS.

5. Saying things like "I don't know how to fill out this profile." Neither do I, buddy, but I tried and put effort in. You want to talk to me? You need to put in effort too.

6. Putting up pictures of you and your "bros" holding red cups. Do I even need to elaborate here?

7. In your "you should message me if" section you write things like: you're not crazy, you know how to dress, you don't have baggage (everyone does if you're older than 16), or, my personal favorite, no fatties. Nice. Classy.

8. Where it says "What are you looking for?" you say "Casual Sex"

Don't even get me started on mistakes guys make while messaging me. How about you at least pretend like you read my profile? And please, if I didn't respond to you the first time, what makes you think I'm going to the second or third?

What should you post? Pictures of you doing your favorite activity. Pictures of your family, or you and a pet. Pictures of you and your favorite places. Stop trying to play it so cool and be yourself. You're obviously on the website for a reason. The cooler you try to seem, the lamer you come across. And the same goes for girls.

So, in conclusion of the madness that is this post I leave you with this: I have a date this Friday with a guy I'll call "Engineer Guy." So far, I like him. He doesn't seem to be playing any games. But I can't truly know until Friday rolls around. Perhaps I'll ask him what his opinion of online dating is. OkCupid is, after all, a free social networking website. No way am I desperate enough to pay for something like Match.com or eHarmony.....yet.

On Working Out in the Winter

Ah, the new year. A time for resolutions. For bettering yourself. A new outlook on life. Some people, like my dad, resolve to have no resolutions this year. Others, like myself, have more than they can reasonable accomplish. Let's face it: resolutions are made for breaking aren't they? But at least they get you thinking a bit more. Of course, every year I'm going to "be healthier." I'm going to eat better, or work out more, or cut back on chocolate. Sure.

Yesterday was my first day back in the city. I'm still adjusting to the time change, so it's difficult for me to go to sleep earlier, but that's no excuse. Last night I came home from work, convinced that I was going to work out. I put on my yoga pants, grabbed my ipod and headed downstairs to the gym. Halfway down the steps I realized that my ipod was out of battery. Great. I trudged back up the steps and asked my room mate if I could borrow her ipod. Halfway down the stairs I saw that her ipod was out of battery. Hmmm....I grabbed my kindle. Please, give me a distraction from the blandness of the treadmill! Anything!

My kindle was out of battery.

At this point I figured that the universe, or at least the year 2012 was screaming at me to get in bed, "What are you thinking you crazy person? There's a -1 degree wind chill out there!"

"Ok, I'll just watch Gossip Girl reruns instead." After all, what a better use of my free time. But I did clean the kitchen too, just to relieve a bit of guilt.

But, I knew that if I just slept in my cozy yoga pants then tomorrow I would already be dressed and ready to work out. Perfect plan! When my alarm went off at 6:30 there was no way I was getting out of bed. I'm pretty sure my building's heat isn't working so obviously it was pretty cold. And, who can get out of bed and pretend to be energetic when it's dark outside? No, no. I snuggled with Sasha instead. At least I got the kitchen cleaned.

Walking to work this morning, it was 13 degrees. But it's supposed to be 45 by Saturday. Maybe this winter is almost over? ....Maybe I'm just trying to "stay positive" (one of my mom's resolutions).

So what are my resolutions that I am clearly not going to accomplish? (I can hear my mom now, "If you say you're not then you're not!") Well...work out at least 3 times a week- entirely doable, limit myself to a two drink maximum at all occasions- somewhat doable, and stop caring so much about what other people think, essentially, try to pursue what I want without worrying about others- almost impossible.

Well...there's always tomorrow.

The girl who goes on bad dates

Last night was a birthday gathering for a good friend of mine. About twenty of her girl friends, and three of her guy friends, gathered together at a martini bar for drinks. There were the general "get to know you" conversations between different groups and everyone seemed to be having a good time. While talking to my friend's sister she suddenly stopped in the middle of the conversation and said to me, "are you the girl who goes on all the bad dates?"

I was a little shocked at this. Do I go on bad dates? I turned to the birthday girl and asked her if I was indeed the friend who she had told her sister went on all the bad dates. Yes, it turns out I was.

The conversation continued:

"I guess I am that girl."

"Give me an example."

"Well, there was the guy that talked about basil for fifteen minutes straight. The "jack-off" guy I went on a date with last year. The guy who cried on the first date."

And as I sat there recounting some of my worst dates to this stranger I realized that, yes, I was he girl who went on bad dates. How did this slip by me? How had I never known this about myself before now. So here, I list for you the basics of the bad dates I've been on:

• The guy who cried on the first date. This was actually a blind date set up through a friend, and he seemed to be the marrying guy. He spent the night asking me all kinds of incredibly intimate questions. You know, the questions you don't ask until that night three months into a new relationship where you stay up talking for hours. "Tell me something real about you. What's your biggest regret? What's one thing you could take back?" Calm down buddy, at least let me finish my cocktail. At dinner he said, "Ok, I'm ready for you to ask me questions now." Alright....what's your biggest regret? I was simply repeating a question he had asked me. I didn't mean for him to sob into his pasta. I mean, we were at a nice place in the West Village, this was unnecessary. Anyway we left the restaurant when all of a sudden he just had to sit on this stoop on Perry Street. So we sat. And he told me about the 5 kids and house in the country he wanted. The moment I expressed my lack of wanting children, the man was off the stoop and in a cab. I was left standing alone on Perry Street, feeling much relieved if truth be told. Did I mention this was at midnight?
  
• Basil. Apparently it grows in all sorts of weathers. Is easy to grow. Can be used in a lot of dishes. And...I pretty much stopped listening three minutes in. I mean how long can two people discuss an herb? Perhaps he was just nervous. Perhaps it was the third date and that's when I really knew...it just wasn't going to work out. No one loves basil that much.
• The racist. He talked about how he used to be a server and he knew that black people gave bad tips. He spoke many times of the "Chinese dude" wearing the weird hat, and he spoke freely about many other races. And I'm pretty sure he was Armenian. God knows what he would have thought of me if I didn't happen to be white. He called me again, but I did not pick up.
• The "I forgot my wallet" guy. No you didn't, you're just cheap. And I only had one glass of wine anyway, it wouldn't have been that expensive. Good luck with that.
• The asshole guy. I was held up for 15 minutes! I couldn't leave work, in this industry you just have to stay late sometimes. Shouldn't you want a girl who cares about her career? How dare you call me unpunctual, I'm always on time. Jerk. Who want's to date a Long Island cop anyway?
• The sleep-over guy. It's the second date. No you can not sleep over. I don't care what time your train leaves. No, I have no couch, and I don't know you. Note to self: Avoid Long Island guys.
• The Jack-off guy. I won't repeat the entire story as I've already detailed it in an earlier posting. But on a first date, you should never, EVER, say anything along the lines of "what am I supposed to just jack off for the next five days?"
• Also never assume that a girl is a lesbian just because she isn't into you.
• Then there's the latest with the Photographer who chose the most inopportune time to tell me he's seeing other people.
  

I think that's enough for now. I'm getting depressed just typing these words out. I am the girl who goes on bad dates. And it's great! Know why? It gives me something to blog about.

Also while I'm in New York going on bad dates one of my best friends from home just got engaged. And I introduced them. Lovely. Happy for her. Really.

When your ex gets engaged

This does not happen everyday. And it has happened to a very good friend of mine more than once. So what is the typical reaction when your ex gets engaged?

My friend (we'll call her Christie) has had a few different reactions:

"Whatever, I don't care. I broke up with him."
"He called me last night and we talked for an hour! I wonder if she knows that..."
"I think maybe I made a huge mistake by breaking up with him."
"WTF now he's super rich AND good looking? ....Fuck."
"Maybe one day he'll realize we were meant to be."

"Christie, that was years ago, you know you're happier now."

"Ya....."

When this happened to her yet again, her response was somewhat different:

"Oh my god, John's engaged to that crazy bitch! What the hell is he thinking?"
"She made him delete me from facebook, wtf???"
"He was the best guy I ever dated."

Needless to say, I think that no matter when you dated, and no matter how you broke up, an engagement comes as somewhat as a shock. Yes, I think I can use shock as a way to describe my entire morning.

I strolled into work at my usual time, got my coffee, ordered a breakfast sandwich. Then things got hectic: I got pulled away to help train the new receptionist, the vault guy needed help, I had to fill people in about what happened at the office last night, and before I knew it it was 11am and I hadn't checked my email yet!

I checked my work email....then my personal email....then meandered over to facebook....and OMG WTF M's ENGAGED?!?

Literally it was the first thing I saw on my news feed. I couldn't believe it! So soon? So young? What's going on? Ahhh!

Let me note that I have had this reaction to almost all of the engagements/pregnancies that pop up on facebook. With each day that I get older, someone is getting married or knocked up! And the better I know the person, the weirder it is. 24? That's too young to be married/pregnant/divorced/dead! Am I right? Girls I was once very close to in high school have thus far been the most shocking...until today.

M and I didn't have the best breakup, but I definitely don't have romantic feelings for him now. I've always been happy for him and his "new" girlfriend. She looks very sweet: short, brunette, the girl next door type...the opposite of me really, which I've often thought it funny.

But it definitely made me think. What if I hadn't broken up with him? What if that was me? What if I was still in Arizona? He's been dating her ever since we broke up but I've been pretty much...single. Does this mean I'm behind? How different would my life be?

Reflecting back to our end, he really wanted a relationship, and I just felt trapped, like I needed to get out, needed fresh air. Obviously, we wanted different things, and I think we both got what we were after. He has the fiance in Arizona he so longed for, and I have my freedom in New York. In the end, we are both happy, and I am very happy for him. But part of me is exhaling thinking, "thank god that isn't me!"

Back to my life

This summer has been incredible. Incredibly hot. Incredibly stressful. Incredibly changing. I've learned an incredible amount.

I'm so happy to finally be getting back to my life. I have a home. Not a dump apartment where I live in constant fear of bedbugs, roaches, and waterbugs. No disrespect from my room mate. No issues with a bad landlord or incompetent super. It's so refreshing to sleep soundly in a soft, warm bed. To get out of the shower and enjoy being in my room watching a movie with Sasha in an environment that is clean and bug free! I like coming home and my new room mates are so nice and I'm really enjoying them. What's better is that I have my privacy back! The location is great. The building is great. It's great!

I've just asked for a raise at work. I know I more than deserve it, and even though I know I won't get as much as I want, I know I'll be happy with any increase in salary. I've learned so much. I feel like I'm constantly trying to cram information in my head. I'm doing tutorials for After Effects and Avid around the clock and I'm always taking notes and asking questions. Will I ever get it? Yes, it just takes time. I've come so far from where I was a year ago and I've learned so much about technology and this industry. I feel really fortunate to be working here.

Things are finally settling down and a lot of the moving/bedbug stress is melting off of my shoulders. Even though I sometimes still wake up and search my sheets, or check for any possible unpaid bills, I know I'm doing alright. I know I'll be alright.

I was walking to work this morning. It really feels like the first day of fall. The sun was shining and the air was crisp. It was like breathing in a fresh, new air, different from the summer. I was wearing all black and had my black sunglasses on. I walked past the backside of Lincoln Center where they have had fashion shows running everyday. I watched the models come and go through the stage doors, and all of the fashion interns running around like crazy- very glamorous. Even though I've had the summer from hell, and there were days I thought I just really couldn't get through it, I'm so happy I'm here and doing it.

I started thinking about all of the things that I've accomplished, and all of the things that I've been through recently. At that moment I decided it was all worth it, because I'm here doing what I always told myself I would be doing, what I always knew I would be doing. And those bad things that happened have just lead to better things. I'm on an upward climb and I can see the top of the mountain even though I don't know what's on the other side.

Last night the office threw a surprise 50th birthday party for the owner and we all had so much fun. Karaoke and a lot of alcohol! The owner gave a very emotional speech that left most of the girls at the office crying. I really respect him and I'm so happy I'm working here and not for a corporation.

Tonight I'm going on a 6th date with a guy K set me up with a couple months ago. I like him a lot, he's creative and funny, and very nice. I'm not sure we want the same things though I think it's too soon to tell.

A couple of my college friends are coming to visit this month and I'm looking forward to seeing them. Fall in New York is such a beautiful time. It feels like this season is bringing happiness with it. Funny that the past two summers have been so difficult but yet summer is my favorite season. I'll keep you updated...

Changing Tides

One thing I learned the hard way in college (an probably one of the more important lessons I learned) is that if you aren't happy you need to make a change. And this change cannot be made by anyone but you. You can ask your friends for advice all you want, but eventually you will just become the person to avoid. It's like when someone is overweight and constantly complaining, but they don't work out and eat lots of potato chips and cupcakes. Or something.

I wasn't happy with my living situation so, when the opportunity presented itself to get out, I took it. I was feeling stagnant at work so I worked my ass off, talked to the boss, and got a promotion. I'm currently in the process of becoming a first assistant, so I guess I'm kind of in the middle of getting another sort of "promotion."

Sometimes it's easy for me to get down on myself, especially when everything seems to go to shit at the same time. But sometimes I have to tell myself something my mom told me once, "this too shall pass."

After every winter is a summer, and the harsher the winter the more beautiful the summer becomes. Every challenge is just a lesson to be learned in life. If you can handle this, you can handle that. If I handled that, then this shouldn't be such a problem.

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. All I know is that in the next few weeks I'm moving to a new an improved apartment, and I seem to be making a leap in the workplace. The feelings that I had just a few weeks ago are gradually subsiding.

Spring has arrived.

The Birthday Blog

A friend of mine, and fellow Leo, recently made a very interesting blog posting and I've decided to copy her. After all of the shit that's gone down in the past month or so, it couldn't hurt to take a step back and look at 24 crazy things that have happened in the last year.

1. Got my first industry paycheck for freelance editing.
2. Worked 17 hour days at an internship and as a server, sometimes not getting home until 4am.
3. The job fell through, so I quit my serving job and traveled around Scotland for a month.
4. Got hired as reception at a post house- hope revived!
5. Moved to a new apartment in New York...in the snow.
6. Got promoted to junior assistant after 3 months at reception.
7. Learned how to dress like an adult- thanks mom!
8. Learned how to battle, and become less afraid of, cockroaches.
9. Learned how to accept, and come to live with, Charlie, the waterbug aka "toe-biter." Seriously, google toe-biter.
10. Made amazing life-long friendships with my coworkers.
11. Learned how to patch in the machine room, convert all kinds of files, capture dailies, and assist editors, among other things.
12. Seen my first New York snow and thought it was beautiful.
13. Walked through tiny pathways in New York snow and thought it was awful.
14. Lost my childhood dog, Gracie.
15. Spent a day reading in the fall leaves of central park.
16. Found my favorite lounge in New York.
17. Learned how to live with someone opposite of you.
18. Learned how to ask for what I want both in life and in the workplace.
19. Been on many, many bad first (and last) dates.
20. Broke up with and made up with my best friend.
21. Discovered/battled bed bugs!
22. Perused craigslist like mad to find a new place.
23. Cried. A lot.
24. Found an awesome apartment that I can't wait to move into which will save me money and is in a better location.

If I can do all of this in one year (not to mention everything I've done in the past year and a half), I think I'm going to be ok.

I never expected moving to the city to be so hard. I always knew it was what I wanted, but I just thought I'd get here and everything would work itself out. I suppose it has, it's just taking so much longer than I'd like.

I hope that 24 will be better than 23. As amazing as 23 was, I'm really ready to feel settled! I'm ready for a period of calm. I wonder what next year's list will bring. 25?? Gahh!

From Rock Bottom to Cloud 9

GREAT NEWS!

After feeling like my world was going to end, and that I needed to move back to California, my life has turned around.

With everything that's been going on (bed bugs, roommate issues, boy problems, frustrations at work: I'll delve into this later), I was feeling like giving up. It was like everything that would go wrong in my life did, including the guy I was dating who, it turns out, wasn't really looking for any kind of relationship, just sex- surprise surprise. I mean, can things get much worse?

After a roach crawls over your nearly-bare sandled foot just before a giant rat dashes out from behind a smelly trash bag in front of you and then you must go sleep in a bed full of bugs who bite you while you sleep, your clean, comfortable, beautiful, spacious home in California starts to sound pretty good. After all, my family is there, my friends from college, and most of my high school friends too.

"That would be giving up," Mom says.

Ya, ya.

I began the dreaded craigslist search on Tuesday. Emailed a bunch of people at various locations. Heard back from almost none except for the "just go to this website to find your credit score" fakers.

But then, yesterday, I made an appointment to see an apartment on the Upper West Side. My old stomping grounds! She was so nice! We have so much in common and the apartment is fantastic. Gym and laundry in the building, with a cute courtyard and a 24 hour desk to sign for packages and such. A lot of students from Julliard live there since it's right next to Lincoln Center.

I was wowed. I told her right then that I wanted it and I was ready to put down whatever money they needed. The room is big and comes with a closet! A real closet, oh boy!

She said she had some other people to see but she would let me know this weekend. Lucky me, she emailed me today and told me I got it! YES!!!

I'll be living within my means, in a great place, AND save money on a gym and laundry. Score!

I'm moving on the 15th of August! I couldn't be happier. For the first time in a while I'm starting to feel really good about what I'm doing. I think this is a place that I could consider a home; a place I will want to stay for a while, rather than just 6 months.

Now....moving day. It's going to be long and hard. Up and down the stairs, lots of packing. And, for the first time I'll be doing it all by myself. But I think it will be worth it.

Crossroads

Over the past month, I have begun composing several different posts. One about my recent vacation and family visit. One about New York supers and how, in reality, they aren't all that great. One about struggles at work. One about the incredible heat wave we've been having. One about the cat I'm currently cat-sitting. There are many good things to say, but I just haven't really felt as though I've been able to say them.

Sometimes, all great thoughts get pushed aside for one all-consuming idea which is impossible to shake. For the past three weeks, I have had a situation which has caused a road block in my mind. No traffic is getting through, no thought properly formed or digested because of this.

I will spare the details out of respect for K. The dreaded "room mate issues" have come up again. The kind that so many people warn you about but that you don't truly believe. They tell you never to live with your friends because it can ruin your friendship. I fear that is what is happening to me and K.

Why?

We're different. That's it. I'm neat, she's messy. I'm introverted, she's extroverted. I'm a homebody, she goes out. I like TV, she says it "erodes the brain" or something like that. We've had minor clashes before, but this time we had a wreck so bad that I've been wondering if we can ever recover from it. Angry words were spoken on both sides. We're fed up with one another. She can't understand why I am the way she is and I can't fathom how she lives the way she does. Ultimately, I think we're both right and wrong for certain things.

Last week we came to a head. Over the internet. Stupid. Anyway, she said what she needed to say, and I didn't get to say what I needed to say. I'm wondering if she'll even hear it, or if she cares. I was pretty convinced that day that our relationship was over. I'm not like K. I don't have 15 or 20 best friends. I have 2. Maybe 3. And these are people I've known for many years and who I care very deeply for. K is one of them. Losing her would be a real blow for me. So, rather than say what I really felt, I apologized and told her I loved her. Because I do. And I'd rather forgo my "apartment happiness" than lose her friendship. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I went to the apartment I'm house-sitting for two weeks (thankfully I didn't have to go home) and thought. And thought. What's important to me? Which would I rather sacrifice: my friendship, or my comfort inside my home? Should I move? Can I break the lease? Can I find a sublet? A place to live? A good room mate? Movers? I cried myself to sleep.

I am still unresolved on these points. K and I have made up, in that we are talking and acting as friends, but I have a "meeting" with her next week to try and confess some of my thoughts to her. I hope she's receptive. I hope she knows I'm not coming from a place of anger, but of hurt. Of confusion. Of desperation.

I don't think petty differences are any reason to end a friendship of 8 years. I hope we can find some common ground and begin to pick up the pieces from this war. Maybe it isn't even a war to her. Perhaps this is something that's going on inside my own head. I just know that this has been an incredibly trying time, one that I won't soon forget. But more than anything, this has been a lesson learned. I am not good at standing up for myself. I really need to try and do it more. And I can't get to a point again where I feel as though I have no choice but to back down.

My dream

I had a thought the other day. I was running with my room mate along the Hudson river. Spring had finally hit and the air was a perfect temperature. Pink flowers were in bloom and happy people walked their happy dogs at dusk. Endorphins were rushing through my body and even though I was physically pushing myself to continue running, I was feeling so good. That's when I realized that I've made it.

When I was a little girl I didn't fantasize about my future husband. I wasn't sure what kind of wedding dress I wanted or where I wanted to get married. I never thought about being rich or dreamed of one day owning a mansion on the beach (though I can't deny I think about that now). When I was a little girl I always imagined I'd have an apartment with my best friend- like a permanent sleep-over.

When I was in college I wasn't so concerned with what my job would be after graduation. I wasn't freaking out about moving away from Arizona, nor was I longing for one more year of college the way some of my friends were. When I was in college all I wanted to do was to move to New York. K and I would talk on the phone about how one day we would live together in the city.

Dreams don't always come true the way you imagine them to. It's not all rainbows and butterflys, but that's life. It was on that run that I realized that I'm living my dream at 23. I'm living in the place that I've been longing for for so long. I'm living with my best friend. I'm working as an assistant editor, something I didn't even think was possible for me so soon.

It's not great all the time. The city pours rain all year long, my room mate is messy and has a serious ability to piss me off, and learning so much at work is daunting and I'm constantly wondering why I was even hired in the first place. But I'm doing it.

I've thrown all my energy into following my dreams and I've never let anyone stop or discourage me from doing what I want. I'm always looking forward to my next goal, but I'm also stopping to admire the present-because its so damn good.

If you'd have told me I would be doing all of this my senior year of high school, I wouldn't have believed you. It's incredible what can be accomplished in such a short period of time. Never doubt yourself because you're the only one that can get yourself where you want to go.

Or maybe I just got lucky.

A new leaf

So its January 16th and I'm back in the city. Christmas went really well- it was great to be home and see my family. I got to see Sara's grave and say goodbye to Gracie. So sad that the two of them had to get old at the same time. The three weeks I spent at home were relaxing. I knew I had a job to come back to, which was great.

One thing that I worked on while at home was my wardrobe. As my mom said, I've lived the past five years in the desert in a college town. My "look" was not exactly up to date nor very adult. So my mom and I spent a few days shopping for basic and more grown up pieces. Now, I remember shopping in high school was fun. I would go to the mall and spend an entire day there. But not this time. I have to wonder, what kind of world do we live in when one can wear FIVE different sizes? That's right. Depending on the store and cut of a garment, I can wear anything from a size 2 to a size 10. I, obviously, feel much happier when able to fit into the smaller size, but who wouldn't. Another frustrating thing about shopping? The top half of my body is a different size from the lower half. This makes it fun to try on dresses. And don't even get me started on the skirts. I must have tried on 50. And I am so sick of seeing skirts that are too tight in the butt and too small in the waist. Really, shopping is an awesome confidence booster, especially with fluorescent lighting and three way mirrors. But, despite my frustrations, we were able to find some great pieces for good prices. Even so, I don't even want to think about how much money I did spend. But I never shop for anything so I don't feel that guilty.

Flash forward to the city. By the first week of January, I had already given A, my landlord, my month's notice. So...we had to be out by February. Let me tell you, apartment hunting in New York is one of the most stressful, difficult things I've ever done. We saw tons of apartments. There was the 3 bedroom in the East Village for $2,700 a month that was the size of a small storage space. It was really dirty, had no closets, and smelled like a soiled cardboard box. There was the place on the Upper East side for $1,750 that had one decent sized room and one closet sized room. So many things have to be taken into consideration when apartment hunting. Space, location, commute, price, closets, dishwasher...etc. By the end of the first week I knew I wasn't going to find my dream apartment. At least not while my salary is so low. A major problem was, K and I have different wants. She doesn't care about space; for her it is all about location. I was more interested in space, and location and space don't go hand in hand. We did find a huge place in Park Slope, Brooklyn for which we put down a deposit. But at the last minute K decided she didn't want that apartment. I understand. We came here to live in the city, and there's something about being outside of Manhattan that both of us find a little unnerving. The problem is, we really wanted time to think about our decision and make sure it's the right one. But in New York, you have to walk in and decide if you and the apartment on the spot. If you don't apply for it right away someone else will, which is what happened to us with the affordable hell's kitchen apartment. We saw it during lunch this past Wednesday. We told the broker we would meet him at 7pm to put down a deposit and give him our paperwork. Before we could meet with him, however, someone else had applied. Lucky for us, their application fell through and we did end up getting the apartment finally! It was coming down to the wire and I don't like not knowing where I'm going to live in fifteen days. So yesterday we finalized everything and got our keys.

K and I were on the subway last week and she made a very good point. Finding a good apartment is like finding a good boyfriend. Sometimes they look great on the outside but once inside you discover how disappointing they really are. Some have qualities you really like, but are lacking in other equally important areas. And no matter how hard you look you are never quite satisfied with what you find. But, no matter how disappointing the apartment is, its nice to know its waiting for you at the end of the day.

So the next step is moving. Blegh. The good news is my mom is flying out on Friday to help me with the move. Thank god, because if she wasn't I really have no idea how I would go about this. I have no furniture or anything, so shes driving up some of my grandpa's stuff. And she'll also help me decorate. I really don't know how we're going to make this apartment work. It has a really funky layout and is really tiny. But I'm sure we'll figure it out. So that's what the next two weeks will be dedicated to: moving. Cleaning, hauling, lifting, organizing. I really look forward to being settled and having my own room! And a kitchen. But especially my own room.

When I first came to New York I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish.

Find a job. Check!
Find an apartment. Check!
Reinvent my style. Check!

I'm trying to decide what my next goal will be. I think one will be to go out more. Try to be more social. I can tell that K is frustrated with me for being such a homebody. She says I'm going to look back on my twenties and regret it. Sometimes I feel that way. And I understand what she's saying. But it's very crappy to go out when it's 10 degrees outside. And sometimes when I'm out I just wish I was at home watching a movie. I hate getting dressed up and then feeling disappointed. Or being tired or hungover the next day. Or checking my balance to reveal how much money I've actually spent. But, I'm going to try and put in more effort to go out.

Any suggestions of what my next big goal should be? A promotion perhaps? Or maybe that would be moving a little too fast?

A New Chapter

How do I even begin to recap the past two months? I find myself avoiding this page just because I anticipate that writing about the sheer amount of information will be incredibly daunting. I suppose it would be easiest to approach it as I would a college paper: with a thesis, a detailed outlining of points, and then a conclusion which reiterates my overall hypothesis. Hmm. Well. The thesis of this paper will be this: While these past few months in the city have been incredibly stressful due to my current employment status and a series of awful dates, recent events have left me hopeful for the future and I look forward to taking the next step in my life, whatever that may be.

Point number one: A recapping of the past month in terms of employment and job search.

I returned from Scotland ready to begin working on a project for a senior person at the place of my internship. I was to edit a bar mitzvah video for a friend of his, the VP of another department. No problem. I'm a good editor and I've worked on family videos in the past (many of which I'm sure some of you have seen) and I knew that I was the right person for this job. After collecting an incredible amount of home video footage and pictures, I cut together a solid piece using company graphics and current music. For a family viewing, it would be ideal. It took me about two weeks after which I was ready to move on. I had met with a temp agency on my first week back from Scotland and had been looking forward to the end of the bar mitzvah project so that I could begin making some money by temping. This, however, did not go as I had planned. The senior person who had put me in contact with the VP had decided that he wanted the video to have more pizzazz (why his involvement with another person's family video was necessary, I am still pondering) and had other interns pulling tapes and trying to find footage from past shows to incorporate. Now, let me reiterate that the video was fine as is and did not need a bunch of random stuff added which would just add time to an already long piece. I began to feel extremely frustrated at the situation. I approached the VP who I was making the video for, expressed my frustration and asked for extra compensation since I would be putting in an extra two weeks on the project. It was then that he told me he had been thinking that $500 was the amount he wanted to pay. For four weeks of work.

Here's a lesson I learned with this. Set a rate before you begin working. Just because you like and respect the people you are working for doesn't mean you don't deserved to be paid for the time, effort, and talent you are putting into the project. Stand up for yourself, and don't allow people to walk all over you.

In the end, the VP agreed with me that the new ideas were superfluous and detracted from the video. So really, not much was accomplished in the extra two weeks. The final payment was $750. I was very grateful that he upped the compensation, but I still felt as though I would have liked to have earned about $2,000. After adding up all expenses which this VP didn't have to pay had he been paying a non-discounted rate ($650 a day for an editor, $350 an hour for voice-over, $350 an hour for sound mixing, not to mention rights to music and show graphics) it was determined that he got a 95% discount. That's a lot of money he saved for a very good product. I can safely say that I walked away from the project having learned a few valuable lessons. But I can tell you that the size of the smile I had on my face after exiting the building for what might be the last time was enormous. The ending of a chapter with a company who did not live up to my expectations and who did not give me what I feel I deserved from them: employment. I took my 750 dollars of cash and handed it straight to my landlord. Another lesson learned: money goes quickly. I was holding four weeks of compensation in my hands for 45 minutes before I had spent it. Welcome to the real world.

Point number two: men in New York are assholes. But they make for good blog updates.

Bad guy scenario #1: The overtly-sexual guy.

Where do I even begin with this one? I suppose I'll start with a "friend" of mine called "R." R is one of the friends I made during my first internship in New York. I had just happened to run into him at one of my old haunts, Tortilla Flats. We went out one time to a place called 230 5th, which is a beautiful rooftop bar with an awesome view of the Empire State. But I just don't feel...romantically interested in him. It was two or so months later that I received a text for him while I was at the office.

"Can I ask you a question?" it said. "Are you a lesbian?"

My response, "No I'm not."

"Oh, that is funny because when I meet you I think you are lesbian," (Spanish accent). "I try to kiss you but you don't seem interested so I think you are lesbian."

I'm already off-put by someone that would think that just because a girl isn't interested in him that that must mean she must be into women. What an ass right? It gets better.

"Because I have this friend who is bi and I tell her I know a lesbian who would have threesome with her."

The assumption here is unbelievable.

"So you are not lesbian?"

"No."

"Ok, because I have to tell her that you are not interested but I tell her already that you want to have threesome."

I don't respond.

"Unless you still want to have threesome?"

Now, for those of you that know me, I think you'll agree with me that I don't come off as the type of person who is open for threesomes. Or casual sex, for that matter. The lesbian thing I understand; I've gotten that before and I generally don't have much of a reaction when uninteresting people come onto me.

"No, not interested."

I can't recall exactly how that conversation ended, but I have not talked to him since.

Bad guy scenario #1: The biggest asshole ever guy.

It was a Wednesday night and I went out with a friend of mine, "V", who I met at Cafe Lalo, to a cigar bar on the east side. After my lungs adjusted to the smoke, I thought the place was pretty cool. It was underground and had red lounge chairs everywhere. It was very swanky and felt very...old Hollywood 1920's. V and I sat down at the bar. The guy next to me (obviously drunk) began having a conversation with us. Well, I guess you couldn't really call it a conversation as much as an...insult....session...?

(In a British accent) "Your friend is really much sexier than you are. She has smoldering eyes. You....you're very generic. You have issues with your hair. And are those tights or stockings? Stalkings are sexier."

Well, obviously I didn't take any of this to heart as he was obviously drunk and obnoxious. But I did turn on the bitch. I can't quite recall what exactly I did say to him, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't nice. At which point he continued the insults and called me selfish. The bartender asked me if I had a problem. I told him this guy was being as asshole. And he was promptly removed from the bar. Tee hee hee. Jerk.

After that rather insulting half-hour, I met a guy named "B" who seemed a little bit off...but who I was still willing to talk to because he was tall and good looking. I gave him my number and went on a date with him this past Tuesday. You won't believe this one.

Bad guy scenario #3: The boring yet presumptuous guy.

We met at a wine bar called Wine and Roses. Beautiful little spot that I would love to visit again with different company. We talked....kind of. I asked him a lot of questions and he asked me....if I like Steinbeck (my most hated author). On occasion he would look off in the distance as if he was contemplating something....but now I believe he was just staring. Turns out he's 40 (looks 30), works on the trading floor, travels to Paris often, owns multiple properties...basically has all the elements of someone date-able. But I can't even convey to you how awful the conversation was. There were multiple awkward silences and I felt like I was asking so many questions just to keep up any kind of conversation whatsoever. Meanwhile he asked nothing about me...an obvious red flag.

We left Wine and Roses and walked up to this wine bar called Tolani (which I adore) for another glass. I had been there once before and the owners are wonderful and the place is charming. But all of that was dulled down by the dolt which was sat on the bar stool next to me. The conversation continued to lag. I had to get up early the next morning so I began the "Ok, I really need to get home now" speech. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was just shy or really introverted. He and I are both leaving the day before Thanksgiving for vacation and he was trying to figure out when he could see me again.

"Call me when you get back from Paris and we can meet up then."

"No, why not this weekend?"

"I have plans. It's only couple of days."

"What am I supposed to jerk off for five days?"

Dead silence. What? Did I hear that right? Let me find out.

"I'm sorry?"

"I think that means the same thing in English as it does in Swiss." (He's Swiss).

"Ok....I have to go to the bathroom."

I went over to the owner and told him what this jerk had said. I also told him to put all of my wine on his tab. The owner asked me if I needed help with the guy. Oh no. I can handle this dick myself.

We left the restaurant and he was still trying to get me to go to another bar. I refused and he seemed pissed. So I went home. The next day he texted me and told me I was very nice and he had a great time. I did not text him back.

Bad guy scenario #4: The guy who just doesn't care.

I had met a guy called "A" one night while on my way home. I remember him being very attractive, sweet, and almost younger. An actor who graduated from the Tisch school at NYU (an incredibly difficult program to get into) I was very intrigued by our similar interests.

We met up a few days later in Riverside park to walk his dog. He was nothing like I remember at our first meeting (I blame the vodka). He was born and raised in New York, an only child, lives with his parents, and works as a bouncer. He said things like, "I'm sure I could get an agent if I wanted to, but I'm just lazy" and "I hate living at home, and I keep my room messy because I don't care, but I don't want to live with my parents anymore. I stay because its easy and I don't have to pay rent."

So basically he's a very lucky guy who is too lazy to make anything of himself? Unattractive. He was another one of those who asked me no questions and we found ourselves walking in silence for much of the time. On a first date. Not good. Plus he was just very inconsiderate. We were stopped at a light and I bent down to get something out of my shoe. The light turned green and he was already across the street before I even realized what happened. That's not lack of chivalry, that's just lack of respect. So I told him I had to meet a friend for drinks. And I haven't talked to him since either.

In conclusion, good men in New York are incredibly difficult to find. No wonder everyone is single here. I've never had so much trouble. But then again perhaps I've never dated this much. I've had three dates this past week. But I digress. Let me move on to the more positive developments in my life, beginning with my professional life.

Point number three: Developments on the job front.

Through a friend I know at an edit facility I was offered an internship. It's not a job, but its another step. I began interning at the edit house last week. The studio manager says she gets job inquiries on a weekly basis from people at places like Animal Planet and USA. I figured if I took the internship for a few days a week my face would be remembered and I would get to know editors and be able to sit in on their sessions. Since I'm really interested in becoming an editor, I think this is a good step for me. The internship isn't glamorous; it's mostly just making sure that the candy in the edit suites are stocked and making sure that clients are treated well. But I feel as though it's a step in the right direction, or at least I'm not just working at a restaurant. It does have its perks. I get lunch everyday and they pay for my metro card ($89 a month). Plus they have fruit trays and stuff sometimes so I don't really have to spend money on food.

In addition to this internship, I've begun temping. Nothing too exciting. I have a job on Monday that pays $10 an hour to organize boxes. But that's $60 I didn't have before. I just have to look at it positively. But the good news is that they found a boutique edit facility that is looking to hire a full-time office assistant. I have an interview with them early this week and I'm really looking forward to it. It will be one of the first industry interviews I've had. I'm hopeful about that, but I'm not expecting anything. Whenever I get too excited about stuff it just seems to fall through.

Point number four: Upcoming trips.

On Wednesday I'm taking the Bolt Bus to D.C to spend Thanksgiving with my extended family. I'm sad I will miss the annual "Turkey Bowl" that my family does on Thanksgiving morning, but it will be very nice to visit my family and I really look forward to a big Thanksgiving, which I never really have.

I leave mid-December to go home for Christmas and I'll be there for three weeks. Yay! It will be my first time home since leaving for New York and I think it will be really good to get back, but I worry about my room being so empty without Sara (my late kitty). I'll get to see her grave for the first time. It will also be the first time in eighteen years that I will sleep in that room without her tucked under my arm. But on a good note, I'll get to see my dog and other cats who I love. And I'll get to see my sisters who I haven't seen in almost 7 months (the longest I've gone without seeing them). I'll return to the city in January, where I'll be back to the grind and stressfulness of finding employment in this economy.

Point number five: A good date.

And I come to the last topic of my "paper": the excellent date I had last night. That's right. A good one. I met him yesterday at a restaurant in Chelsea where K and I were having brunch. Right away I thought he was gay. I mean, we were in Chelsea and he was tall, had a ridiculously good body and an excellent sense of style. Anyways, turns out he's not and he asked for my number. We went out last night for drinks and had such a great conversation. We talked about religion and history and movies and sci-fi and X-files and acting and technique and food and wine and lounges. We have so much in common and he is so interesting. He's very involved in the acting community and spends a great deal of his time in the artistic lower east side, a place I've been wanting to spend more time but haven't really ever been to. It was only a first date, but I look forward to seeing him again, though I feel he is too good looking for me.

So, in conclusion, this city has proven to be very stressful to me lately, though from the stress I have learned many valuable lessons and my life is moving forward. To quote Chumbawamba (that's right, Chumbawamba) "I get knocked down, but I get up again," because if you don't you'll live your life laying down.

Here's a link to a song I listen to when I need to feel inspired:

It's Amazing.

Today is better than yesterday

I'm at the office gearing up for a late night at the cafe. But I've got some pretty exciting news!

Yesterday, the artist Sia was in the building and I got to watch her perform a few songs on the floor below me. That was pretty cool. Sometimes artists that come into the building do small performances for the staff. Earlier this summer Hanson was here....but honestly I wasn't that interested in hearing now grown men sing mmbop. But I was quite start struck with Sia so I put her latest CD on my ipod when I got home last night. I've been so worried about finding employment and having to work at the cafe forever that last night I needed a break and I bought a bottle of wine. Low and behold today I got hired as a freelance production assistant to help some higher-ups on a new project. Yay! Hopefully that will turn into something more! For now I'm really excited and I feel a lot more secure about everything. Now for my current list of goals:

1. Get a full-time position which will allow me to quit Lalo and develop a regular shcedule
2. Move into an apartment which feels like a home and not a campground
3. Furnish that apartment and decorate it so it feels even more like a home (and so it's nice to drink tea in a chair)
4. .......whatever comes next after those things.....

We'll see how everything goes!

I'm in mourning...

Rather than go into the office yesterday, I chose to take the day off to mourn. I rented Bright Star, Roman Holiday, and, yes, The Happening. Although I had heard bad things, I wasn't about to give up on one of my favorite directors. The movie was obviously not his best work, and was executed poorly, but I think overall his idea was unique and interesting, it was just lacking.

I ordered Sara's headstone today. It was very tough. I'm taking it pretty hard, I think. But I'm happy that today's Friday so I have a couple more days of nothing. I can't stop thinking about her and how I wasn't there to sleep with her on her last night and that she wasn't feeling well. Its good and bad that I wasn't there. I think it will be more difficult for me when I go home next.

Sara's death has just added more stress on top of the job search. I'm feeling very discouraged and anxious. I don't want to move away from the city already. I'm quickly losing faith in myself which is unlike me, I think.

On a lighter note, a few days ago I was in an elevator with Alan Cumming at a building in midtown. That was pretty cool since I love Romy and Michelle. What's even more exciting is that I have to go back to that building today and rumor has it Gaga is there! I'd love to bump into her, though I don't know if I could contain my excitement. Chances are I won't even see her anyway.

Who knows what I'll do this weekend. D wants to hang out again, I may see my friend E, and, if K doesn't go to Connecticut for the weekend, I really want to go with her to Tortilla Flats, since I haven't been yet. Anything to keep up my energy really.

A sad day

Today was a very sad day.

Like yesterday, clouds covered Manhattan and rain drizzled throughout the day. The humidity increased tenfold and I could feel the sweat running down my back while waiting for the 1 train.

I went to work and spent my morning checking my email, reading me book, and such. I had an interview for a restaurant which opens in two weeks called "Artichoke" at three so I went to that while I ran some errands for work. Overall, I think the interview went well. But they want me to work until 6am which I'm not sure will work for me.

By the time I got back to the office, I was tired, hungry, and frustrated from the mugginess of the city. I promised myself that I would order Indian food for delivery when I got home, but just as I was about to I called my mom who informed me that my cat died today.

Sara was my birthday present when I was 5 and I've had her for 18 years. She slept with me every night and I've always considered her my daughter. My mom told me she was sick last week. I feel very unprepared for her death. When I left home I told her I would see her in December. And I wont. It's a very sad time for me.

When K got home we went to "Coppola's" across the way and I ordered some comfort food: a glass of pinot, pasta alla vodka, and chocolate suffle. I feel much better after that and K and I had a few laughs. But I still miss my kitty and keep thinking about those last moments I spent with her. It will be a tough few days.

Tomorrow its off to work again. We'll see how well I do at the office.