Crossroads

Over the past month, I have begun composing several different posts. One about my recent vacation and family visit. One about New York supers and how, in reality, they aren't all that great. One about struggles at work. One about the incredible heat wave we've been having. One about the cat I'm currently cat-sitting. There are many good things to say, but I just haven't really felt as though I've been able to say them.

Sometimes, all great thoughts get pushed aside for one all-consuming idea which is impossible to shake. For the past three weeks, I have had a situation which has caused a road block in my mind. No traffic is getting through, no thought properly formed or digested because of this.

I will spare the details out of respect for K. The dreaded "room mate issues" have come up again. The kind that so many people warn you about but that you don't truly believe. They tell you never to live with your friends because it can ruin your friendship. I fear that is what is happening to me and K.

Why?

We're different. That's it. I'm neat, she's messy. I'm introverted, she's extroverted. I'm a homebody, she goes out. I like TV, she says it "erodes the brain" or something like that. We've had minor clashes before, but this time we had a wreck so bad that I've been wondering if we can ever recover from it. Angry words were spoken on both sides. We're fed up with one another. She can't understand why I am the way she is and I can't fathom how she lives the way she does. Ultimately, I think we're both right and wrong for certain things.

Last week we came to a head. Over the internet. Stupid. Anyway, she said what she needed to say, and I didn't get to say what I needed to say. I'm wondering if she'll even hear it, or if she cares. I was pretty convinced that day that our relationship was over. I'm not like K. I don't have 15 or 20 best friends. I have 2. Maybe 3. And these are people I've known for many years and who I care very deeply for. K is one of them. Losing her would be a real blow for me. So, rather than say what I really felt, I apologized and told her I loved her. Because I do. And I'd rather forgo my "apartment happiness" than lose her friendship. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I went to the apartment I'm house-sitting for two weeks (thankfully I didn't have to go home) and thought. And thought. What's important to me? Which would I rather sacrifice: my friendship, or my comfort inside my home? Should I move? Can I break the lease? Can I find a sublet? A place to live? A good room mate? Movers? I cried myself to sleep.

I am still unresolved on these points. K and I have made up, in that we are talking and acting as friends, but I have a "meeting" with her next week to try and confess some of my thoughts to her. I hope she's receptive. I hope she knows I'm not coming from a place of anger, but of hurt. Of confusion. Of desperation.

I don't think petty differences are any reason to end a friendship of 8 years. I hope we can find some common ground and begin to pick up the pieces from this war. Maybe it isn't even a war to her. Perhaps this is something that's going on inside my own head. I just know that this has been an incredibly trying time, one that I won't soon forget. But more than anything, this has been a lesson learned. I am not good at standing up for myself. I really need to try and do it more. And I can't get to a point again where I feel as though I have no choice but to back down.