Giving Up vs. Moving On

Upon making my recent decision to move from New York to California, many fears ran through my head. What if I miss New York too much? What if my expectations of my California life are too high? What if I regret my decision? What if I can't find as good a job as the one I have? What about the friends I'll be leaving behind? Am I giving up on my dream? What if this is a huge mistake?

The truth, I suppose, is that in life there will always be the "what if." I'll never know the answer to all of my questions. There are so many different paths I can take, and none are necessarily right or wrong. They just are what they are. The question I needed to focus most heavily on was: what's right for me right now?

I love New York. And I know I will miss it. But it will always be there, and I'll be traveling back and forth for the film. It's not like I'm leaving it forever. If I truly decide that I've made a mistake, I can always come back.

One of my biggest fears was that I was running away from my dream. Living in New York had been my dream since my internship in college...would I be giving up on that? Well...I think that dreams change and evolve. My goal upon moving to New York was to become an assistant editor...and I did that. I loved that job...but now with the way the film has gone...I'm not so sure if that is my path anymore. I think there might be something else out there better suited to me. I'm just not sure what yet. Sometimes I do question whether or not I'm giving up. But ultimately, I think I'm leaving behind a career that isn't what I want to do anymore. I came to New York, I did what I needed to do, and now I'm moving onto the next thing- whatever that next thing might be. I'm not giving up, I'm moving on.

There are a lot of things about the city that I will miss, but I can honestly say that for the past year I haven't been living the life I want to live. New York is NOT Sex and the City- as most girls who move there believe. It certainly has it's moments. Anyone who has ever been to a rooftop happy hour at sunset can attest to that. But New York is grimy and hard and rough. And that was fun for a while, but I look forward to something a little bit softer.

Maybe what I'm saying makes sense. Or maybe this is just my way to try and keep myself convinced that I'm doing the right thing for me.

A California Girl in New York

It's really been over the past year that it happened. Something started to change. I couldn't put my finger on it. I started making a film, which was taking up all of my spare time- and is the reason that I've somewhat abandoned this blog.

This project, which I originally believed would be something fun and creative to do in my spare time, has developed into an internationally recognized feature length film which I have devoted all of my time, thoughts, blood, tears, and, most importantly, energy into. It's stripped me down and made me question everything I wanted/thought I wanted. I love my job....but I love this film, this project which matters so much to so many people. I feel like I am making a difference. I never knew how important this feeling would be. At the time that it started, I never knew how it would change my life.

Ever worked two jobs? It's exhausting! Working at a computer from 9-6 and then working at a computer more from 6-10 is rough. My focus was constantly shifting and all over the place. I had shoots to plan, meetings to attend, story lines to dream up, emails to answer, projects to assist, clients to worry about! It was never ending! I found myself flopping into bed as soon as I got home and waiting until the last possible minute to get out of bed to go to work. Being drained of energy left me feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, depressed. How was I going to do all of this? How would I make time? In addition to that, I could feel my concentration slipping from my job towards my film, which really isn't fair to my employers who have always treated me well, and who I cared a great deal for.

Worst of all, New York was starting to wear on me. I've heard this about the city. It's ruthless. It doesn't care about you as much as you care about it. It will chew you up and spit you back out. But hey- if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere right? I like to think I did make it. I mean...I made it as far as I wanted to go when I moved to New York.

It was really this past winter that I started to feel it. The California pull. The desire to go home. On those rare trips that I did go home I experienced my first bouts of not wanting to return. Not wanting to stuff all my clothes in a foot-wide closet. Not wanting to walk a mile to the subway in the snow, or put on five layers of clothes before I left my apartment. I questioned myself: why was I starting to feel such resentment for a city I love and have wanted to live in for years? I could feel the California inching its way back into my veins.

I wasn't living the New York lifestyle that I used to or that I dreamed about. I wasn't going out. I was drinking almost every day just to relieve stress (hello alcoholism?), I was ordering in food every night and passing out as soon as I could. I felt unhealthy. I felt unhappy. I missed the California lifestyle.

But how do you know when to leave? I weighed the pros and cons. I spent hours on Thought Catalog reading people's stories about LA or San Francisco or New York,  trying to decide what was best for me based on other people's experiences. I had decided. I would stick it out one more year. Just one more. Then I would leave.

But living every day looking forward a year in advance isn't right.

In early June I went to spend a weekend with my aunt in Virginia. We sat outside on the deck enjoying a glass of red wine. We could see the pool and the grass and the trees around us. It was nice. I don't get to sit outside like that in New York. If I was in California I would be just a drive away. I moped all the way to the train station. The next morning, my room mate and I went on a walk along Riverside Park. The sun was just freshly up and ahead you could see George Washington Bridge and the Hudson River below it.

"This is my favorite part of New York," I told her.

"I think that says something," she said.

So there you have it. The moment I knew I had to leave. I had to go home. I spoke to my parents that day to confirm what I already knew: that I had moved to New York. I had done what I came to do. It was time to move on.

So I'm writing to tell you all that while I've loved living in New York for the past three years, it is time for me to leave it. It's time for me to take the next step...whatever that is.

I have a lot more to say about my decision, but I'll leave that to another post!

Oscars 2013

It's been many months since my last post. I've been extremely busy with a big project and blogging has escaped me. The only thing that could possibly pull me back is....the Oscars! I wait all year for this event and I couldn't miss stating all of my opinions about it. First of all, let's talk about the red carpet:

Kristin Chenoweth. Gag. I felt like I spent the entire two hours leading up to the Oscars listening to her ramble on about how small she is. We get it, you're 4'11. You said that. AND you took your shoes of twice. And you dissed Adele (who has way more talent than you do) by telling her how petite you are and taking off your shoes. I thought I was hallucinating when she asked Hugh Jackman, "what do you think weighs more, me or an Oscar?"

Moving on.

Unlike the past years, I'm only going to talk about two dresses this year: best dressed and worst dressed. My pick for best? Amy Adams. Hands down. She looked fabulous!

That dress is to die for! I wish I could just wear it around my apartment while I'm vacuuming. I love her.

And now for the worst. What do you get when you combing 90's teen movie fashion with Tiffany's? Anne Hathaway:

I'll say, I thought her hair looked lovely, but this dress is all wrong. The light pink...the satin...the high neck WITH the necklace- ahh! She looks like she fell out of "She's All That" -I mean where are the platform sandals?

That being said, she totally deserved the Oscar, her performance in Les Mis was amazing.

Onto the host: Seth Macfarlene. Hilarious! I laughed the entire time. LOVED the boob song. And the way he introduced Meryl was so funny, I couldn't stop laughing. I know he's been getting some bad press.....but they did predict that, no?


Hands down, this has to be one of the best awards shows I've ever seen. I'm a sucker for musical theater and loved the throwback to Chicago (though I did think it was totally random). Who didn't love/find really inappropriate the Jaws music playing over top of the acceptance speeches?

Awesome moment: Jennifer Lawrence falling. She was so sweet and funny and I loved her brief speech. She's quickly becoming a new favorite of mine.

Weird moment: Michelle Obama? What are you doing there? What are you trying to say? ....no really....why are you here?

I didn't stay up to see Chenoweth's performance....I had had enough of her. Other than a few minor things (Jack Nicholson in sunglasses the entire night...again!) I thought this had to be one of the best Oscar shows ever. Except for maybe when Ellen hosted.

My New Room mate: I think I'm in love

For the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE I think I can truthfully say I am in a very happy living arrangement and it has completely lowered my stress levels. This time last year I was living with two room mates: one who was a penny-pincher in the worst ways possible and a complete airhead, another who was so pissed off and passive agressive that I was afraid to be in the same room as her.

Now I live with my sister, my new room mate A, and her orange kitty Bentley. Living with my sister is awesome. She's neat, we share, and we're comfortable around each other. We can both be honest with each other without getting all "girl-bitchy" or secretly fuming. A is really awesome. She is also very neat, so nice, and also knows how to share. I feel like we are a little family. Last night the three of us watched "The City" (shocker) and drank a bottle of wine. It's just so comfortable and homey. I'm so excited to not be afraid to sit in the living room!  It's like the three of us cat ladys found each other and are living in harmony.

I'm serious about the cat lady thing though. It's actually getting quite embarrassing...that's my average shopping cart.

25 Things

Ever since I started this blog I have always included a birthday blog with a list of things I've accomplished in the last year/life...whatever. While I am 3 days late on this posting, I knew I needed to post it because a) they are fun to look back on and b) I have been incredibly lacking in the blog world as of late. So here it goes, a list blog.


25 significant things I experienced before the age of 25:

1. Grew up in the same house that I still think of as home and had an incredibly happy childhood. I will always look back with fond memories and know that I was a child for as long as I wanted to be and I didn't grow up too fast.
2. Learned another language. Even though I am not fluent, I am surprised by how often I find it useful that I speak Spanish. Earlier today I even had to write an email in Spanish to someone in Spain. Who knew?
3. Went on student exchange. Experiencing another culture is so important and to do so at 15 helped to open my eyes to how other people in the world live.
4. Lost a best friend. Sometimes you need to know who will be there and who won't and how truly precious your friends are.
5. Was a geek in high school and college.  I never strayed from my true self and I have life-long friends because of that.
6. Learned to swim. I will always feel comfortable in any body of water and I'll have a form of exercise when I'm older and my joints aren't as good (like now!)
7. Learned the piano. I have a keyboard in my apartment and am so thankful that I can play whenever I want to. It's something I love to do when I'm alone.
8. Went to college out of state. While I absolutely hated it at the time, I really learned how to grow up and take care of myself. I learned that I am the only person who can choose to make myself happy. Being depressed about a situation is not going to change anything. Change must come from within.
9. Became a gym rat. I taught myself how to exercise and how important it is to stay active. I know that if I'm feeling sluggish a workout is just the thing to pick me up.
10. Had a high school sweetheart. I learned that love does exist and how happy one can be when they fall in love. And how terrible it is when your heart is broken. After that, anything can be overcome.
11. Had an older boyfriend. I learned that I can't just be a spoiled brat when it comes to relationships. It's about giving to-when you're ready.
12. Had a college boyfriend. Practically living with someone else for a year teaches you what is important to you in another person and in yourself. I learned to appreciate someone else but not to lose sight of myself and my goals.
13. Went to film school. I found my passion and learned how important it is to express myself. Film school taught me that my ideas are not stupid and that I should not be afraid to speak up or be open.
14. Directed my first film. I wrote and directed a film about a very tough subject and was incredibly rewarded because of it. I was almost too afraid to make it but a Drew Barrymore quote told me “If you don't take risks, you'll have a wasted soul.”
15. Went to Hawaii with my girlfriends. Because that was just the most fun ever and probably the last time I didn't have any responsibilities or anything to worry about. That's over.
16. Discovered that I wanted to be an editor. I suppose in a way I always knew that, but it feels good to have a passion to set my mind to. Listening to my friends as they still try to figure out what they want to do makes me feel lucky that I already know.
17. Made lasting friendships with incredibly talented people who I am sure I will work with in the future.
18. Followed my dream and moved to New York. A lot of people didn't believe that I would do it. But it was one of the scariest but most liberating things I've ever done.
19. Learned that just because she is your friend doesn't mean you'll make good room mates. Fighting with someone you're close to is never easy, but I'm so happy we're still friends now.
20. Lost the job I was promised from my internship. I'll never forget: I was on my way to the airport to spend a week with my parents in Scotland when I learned the job I thought I was coming back to had been pulled. I was absolutely terrified. What was I going to do? Where was I going to work?
21. Spent a month in Scotland with my parents. Seeing the highlands and Lake District in England was amazing and it felt so good to be able to recharge and figure out my life.
22. Took a temp job as a receptionist at a post-production company at which I am now an assistnat editor.
23. Battled cockroaches and bed bugs. No matter what living situation comes my way, I'll always know it could be worse. And I'll know that I can handle anything on my own.
24. Asked for a raise. I was terrified. But I did months of research and I got it!
25. Raised $10,000 to make a documentary about Trichotillomania, something I am passionate about and something I hope will make a difference not only in my life as a film maker but also in the lives of all the trichsters out there.

I'm sure there are things I left out but those are some major things that came to mind. I've done a lot in 25 years, but I also haven't done much. I look forward to the next 25 and hope that I continue to push myself to become the person I want to become.

Thanks for reading!

Another year gone

So I've been spending all of my time working on the film, which is going very well. The response from the community has been fantastic and we are so excited about it!

Other than the film, my sister moved into her own room in our apartment and a new room mate is moving in next weekend. We are so excited to have a new start! It's so much better living with your sister than with room mates. So much homier and more comfortable.

My mom comes to visit next week and we are really excited about that as well. I'll be turning 25 (eek) on the 6th of August so she'll be here to celebrate with me. I can't believe I've been in New York now for more than 2 years! It's crazy how much has changed. Hope everything is well with everyone in the blog world!

Documentary

Hey there bloggers!
 It's been forever since I've written but my life have been incredibly insane lately! I'm on the creative team of a documentary film called Trichster, a feature-length film we are producing about trichotillomania. It's a subject that's very dear to my heart so I've been throwing my heart and soul into it! Trichotillomania is an impulse control disorder where people pull out their hair. Please check out our video and let me know what you think! Also, if you could post in on your facebook and twitter it would really help us out. Thanks so much!

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1024153773/trichster